magical stardust ☺
J.
"an attempt to make sense of and articulate the thoughts running through my head."
♥ bold italic strikeout underline♡
TAGBOARD.
PEEKTURES.
|
(: (: (:
went to the chinese doctor today. grace accompanied me there! more like i asked her to. but yeah. thanks alot! but she had fun watching me limp and laugh. meanie. anw, omg, damn pain i tell you.
had massage and accupuncture. and i learnt something today. when i have accupuncture, i cant take it sitting up. i need to lie down. cause a while after the doctor put in the needles i started feeling faint and losing consciousness. cold sweat, etc etc. it became better after lying down.
and yup its way better now. but dumb luh, we didnt know the one near our house was open. until we were on our way back. the one my mum goes to is close today, so i asked grace if she knew of any near our house.
grace - oh oh there's the suspicious looking one.
i thought she meant the super run down shop. so i said i didnt wanna go there. but apparently not. i felt uber dumb. i limped all the way to serangoon central for nothing -.-"
but okay la, afterall the doc i went to was super nice! we talked about education and all while waiting for the accupuncture thing to be done. and crazy can, she wanted her child to get 95% plus for chinese. which is OMG. although they're from china, its still uber impossible sounding haha.
anw, to those who asked, thanks for your concern, its way better now (: (: (:
but its still swollen though.
results tmr, oh my gosh. i dont know what to expect. but oh wells. God has a plan for us, so if i dont advance, so be it (: he's the author of our destiny. everything's planned out for us, we can't change it.
...and i dont know what to do.
'why habour such emotions? it'll only disrupt your life.
you have the opportunity and you're throwing it away.
nothing will ever be the same.
you control your destiny.
you can make things way better when they ever were.
she can say what she says and no one can stop her.
but you can change your own choice.
its your life you make the decision to change and not her.
who cares what others think as long as you are happy thats enough =D'
-regina
to be honest, i dont know what the next step should be.
i'm confused.
all of a sudden, i remembered what mingyang/mingyong said during DG the last time i was there. we were discussing one question, and i suddenly asked how we would know if we are acting according to God's will for us, or if we're simply acting on our own accord, based on our wisdom.
he told me that its just as though we're at point A, and we want to get to point B.
ultimately, cause of His plan for us, we will still reach B.
along the way, we might face detours, etc etc.
thats what we choose to do.
whether or not we turn left or turn right, its up to us to decide.
but God made it such a way that all these turns are part of the process only.
they will not have any impact on the outcome.
in a way, all roads lead to point B.
rawr. this's turning out worse than i thought it would be.
Lord, please help me.
and to you, i'm sorry.
just one last thing.
yeah, i guess i didnt know what to say in your face.
you're right, i felt that it was easier to get it off my chest through my blog. its an outlet for me, my rant-bin. that's one of the reasons why this is locked and only those close to me are invited. i dont invite any random tom, dick or harry.
cause i know that these people know what's going on, and no misunderstandings will arise.
although you did misread some parts. but now you know what i truly meant when i said i lied that day.
nonetheless, i'm sorry for that day. i guess that was just to save my skin.
Labels: and move on its time to let go, freak; but thats life, i still love you my friend, i'm never turning back again, SRGCE LiJiang (:
|
i think its the rain. i cant help but have this 藕断丝连 feeling.
although yeah, i'm pissed about what happened, sometimes i do look back and urgh, i miss all the happy times.
all the times i was thankful to God for placing you in my life.
all the times i was glad i found a good friend in you.
all the times i was happy, and wished this would go on forever.
all the times i thought of how blessed i was.
all the times i thought that things would always be fine.
all the times i thought of how we became close all of a sudden and smiled.
all the nonsense, retarded moments.
all the laughter and fun times in which i was really happy.
all the spamming and nudging and slaps on msn.
oh wells. all good things must come to an end.
i tried to block out all the negative thoughts i had in the past. i still remember what person X said, and how i got defensive. that was how important you were.
and now, it sucks that they are true.
Y, thanks for not telling me how you felt, thanks for not being a wet blanket. i guess i was just naive and ignorant.
you came into my life suddenly, and you made a sudden exit.
and i was left hanging in the air. esp with all the unfulfilled promises.
i think its just the weather. gloomy. good reflection of how i feel.
yeah, some people do agree with my sentiments. but we cant do anything uh.
its not our life, we cant control what people want to do, they have their own mind.
i guess you wouldnt listen if i tell you anyway.
the only thing i can do now is to look to the future.
forgive and forget? yes, i've already forgiven. but i think i cant forget. its just like that. i'm not sure about how things are on your side though. i think this incident's left a scar within me.
things will no longer be the same.
i guess things will just be a passing memory.
i still remember how Happy Bitches were having this convo about friendships last year, and this question surfaced. yea, at that point in time, i was skeptical. until we became friends.
yes, i still remember how i happily told cheryl that we were wrong, and such things can actually exist. so now i guess that was all an illusion.
i try not to think about it, but sometimes i just look at all the effort you put into the other one, and i can't help but wonder why you didnt do the same for this.
is what we've been speculating all along really true?
i've moved on. but sometimes i cant help but look back and reflect on life. (:
if only we know what's gonna happen so we can plan out what to do. but oh wells. life's full of challenges. that's the fun part about it. :D
at least i'm glad we got to experience this friendship, and how you were one of my best friends and my best guy friend.
*藕断丝连 -still some form of attachment left to something that's happened, something that you're detached from.
'two is better than one, but one is better than nothing.'
you know what? i totally agree. i'm better off with one now. i'm happier, i realised :D
xoxo, jessica.
Labels: and move on its time to let go, i still love you my friend, i'm never turning back again
|
had a long talk with regina at the playground this afternoon. both of us are on the same boat, identical problems.
yes regina, things happen for a reason, and like it or not, we just have to let go of some things and move on. some things were not made for us.
at least we know that we still have one another (:
i didnt really want you to know about it, but since you now know, oh wells.
we sat on the swings and see-saw, and i was reminded of the childhood days, carefree, happy, joyous. compare and contrast that to the live we have now.
oh wells, thats life. God placed problems and obstacles in our life to make us stronger people. we're supposed to emerge victorious, instead of crumbling. everything that happens to us now is just part of God's plan to mold and shape us into the people he wants us to be. we were all created for a reason.
At the foot of the cross
kathryn scott
At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart
Yes You've won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me life
Through the death You bore for me
I'm laying every burden down
I'm laying every burden down
this song was playing on my mp3 on my way home, and yeah. i'm laying every burden down at the foot of the cross. i'm leaving everything to God. whether or not i get advanced to JC2 next year, whether or not i should maintain my position as vice-president in the event that i get advanced, whether or not i get an A for my PW, whether or not things are gonna stay the way they are, i'm entrusting everything to God.
freak, i'm running a temperature, the day before my OP assessment. and my throat hurts whenever i swallow.
dear God,
please see me through the day tomorrow, please help take away my fever and sore throat during the night, or at least just between 8am to 9am tomorrow.
please help me through the assessment tomorrow, help me to give it my best shot and leave the room with no regrets.
please remind me that You're always there for us, even through our darkest moments.
please remind me that You will never leave us nor forsake us, You'll always be right beside us all the way, You'll take care of us just like how a Shepard cares for all his sheep.
please enable me to cling on to this everlasting promise of Yours.
please grant me a good night's rest, please take away all my worries for the night, so i can wake up energised tomorrow.
thank You.
and, i love You always (:
AmenLabels: and move on its time to let go, i still love you my friend, thank you Lord (:
|
please, just admit that you just wanted to be at the same place as XXX? its freaking clear cut. i dont see why we couldnt have done what we did individually. or over msn. you just wanted to be with XXX, and wait afterwards, just so you could send XXX home afterwards.
okay, this is affecting me way worse than i thought it was. maybe because you were one of my best friends. i dont even know if you still are now. i feel that we're drifting apart; i'm losing you. weird uh, friends drift apart cause they dont see one another, etc. we still see one another almost everyday. ironical much, you read deeply into the things that you dont have to, but when it comes to things you should, you dont bother. you worry about those around you, but you seem to be oblivious to those close to you.Labels: i still love you my friend
|
if only you knew, if only you knew what hurts the most.
my emo mood still refuses to go away, and its making me super sensitive and emotional.
idk why, but i broke down again last night. i thought about what i saw, what i heard and what you told me on wednesday. the insignificance was seriously too much.
i was standing near the window and i felt the cool breeze outside, perfect weather to emo. weird huh, its so calm and cool outside, but within me, a storm's kicking up.
the fact that it was one of your guesses means that you're aware of what you're doing. i don't know what my response to that should be, but the main thing is that yes, you continued.
i was at a loss for words when you asked, part of me wanted to say yes, but then what would happen? naive mentality i guess. all along i kinda wanted you to know and do something about it. just now, i was presented with that chance to let you know. i just said no, and later you even asked again. i seriously don't know why i lied about it.
why, jessica? you know its affecting you damn badly, and the only way to settle this is to come clean. but. at that point it time, i just didnt know what to expect, i didnt want to know what would happen after i said yes. childish much huh? wanting something real badly but turning the opportunity down after you realize you won't know what to do afterwards.
i was seriously looking forward to it today, but after what you said, i guess my attitude just changed. coupled with the fact that i cried myself to sleep last night after what happened, i wasnt in a good mood. i couldnt even concentrate during PW. yes, it was that bad.
i seriously harboured thoughts about just calling it off altogether. it just sucks that its always XXX. give me a break, seriously. where do i stand? its not that i'm jealous or smth, but i just think that you should know where to draw the line. i don't hate XXX, but i just.. idk how to phrase it but urgh.
i saw this situation happen a few times, and i was just thinking how blessed i was that i wasnt one of them. now, i finally realised that the feeling sucks.
i dont know when you'll read this, but when you do, can you please leave XXX out of things between us for the time being? i cant stand it that now, things are planned so you can achieve both aims together. please. its annoying that whenever we want to do things, you consider XXX and plan it in such a way that accomodates XXX. what the hell, please know where to draw the line. it's reached the state whereby i'm no longer sad. i'm now pissed, adgitated, annoyed, disgusted. its like, your world revolves around XXX. the extent to which you do it, and why you're doing it seriously doesnt make any sense to me.
and yes, i'll stay strong. that moment felt really nice. even though it lasted for 3 seconds.Labels: i still love you my friend
|
(: thanks kuang jie, i felt better after ranting about it.
sometimes i wonder, why do i bother? like what reg always tells me, 'why bother?'
trying to deny isnt a smart choice my friend. i can read people. and you're currently giving yourself away through your actions. somehow, i sense that things are no longer the same. but nonetheless, thanks for taking the effort.
i'm ready to let it go. yst i thought, oh well, maybe its just XXX's personality, more open, etc thats why. but i realised, it takes two hands to clap. what you told XXX, i was shocked. and amazed. utterly surprised, what the hell. shell shocked might be a better word. i dont know, it came as a total surprise to me. the great amount of sacrifice you were willing to make for XXX. and what i accidentally saw was the ultimate. i think i would feel better if you 2 got together.. seriously.
Labels: i still love you my friend
|
i've been keeping track, we're slowly distancing. you know what, i'm tired. i'm tired of trying to keep this together, since you hardly seem to care. forget it. i'm washing my hands off, if you carry on like that. i know why XXX can win me alr, its because you no longer bother. i tried to initiate the msges a few times, but after a while, i'd ask myself : is this worth it? you always claim to want something, but in reality, you aint trying. i was never a quitter, i never will be. but i'm practical. if i know smth wont work, i'll give up. and i think i will give up. there's no use clinging on to that little strand, since you're obviously not putting in any effort. i realised that its always a one-sided thing, thats why you if you realised, i stopped ranting to you, telling you stuff. cause its always me, me, me. nothing from you. its just not worth my tears and effort. then again, maybe you have XXX.
i dont know, if you wanna maintain this friendship of ours, its time you start taking ownership and do something about it. i never thought that things would end up this way, but since it has already reached this state, oh wells. i realised this is the only friendship i had got me pissed plenty of times. its bad to the extent that i no longer care. thats why sometimes i'm kinda cold to you. its cause i had enough. seriously. like you told me that day, if something's too much for me to handle, give up. and yes, this is exactly what i'm gonna do right now. dont worry, you wont be lonely. i'm sure XXX will be more than willing to talk to you. i dont deny that i really treasure this friendship but i gotta learn to let go of some things.
once again, let me make my stand clear. if you wanna maintain this friendship, do something about it. i'm not giving up on the friendship; i'm merely giving up attempting to hold this friendship together. i still love you as a friend, in case you're wondering.
xoxo, jessica.Labels: i still love you my friend
|
stupid medicine. i think it has side effects. i was uber tired the entire day. even though i didnt take the one that'd make me drowsy.
didnt feel well, asked to be excused from ODAC afterwards. seriously couldn't take it anymore. its the exhaustion from PW; imagine sleeping for like 2-3 hours daily since friday. coupled with the fact that i'm on medication.
dinner-ed with grace, and omg, i seriously do retarded stuff with her. today we saw nice stickers. and we decided to buy one packet each. but you know what? the adhesive stuck to the plastic instead of the sticker itself. retarded much. such a waste, the stickers were seriously uber nice :D
and, i dont know why, but i suddenly felt jealous. all of a sudden, after you told me all of that. before this, i already accepted it, but today, i dont know. it came back suddenly. urgh, i didnt know it was that extreme, but then again, where do i stand?
i feel uber inferior. its like, after XXX came into the picture, i'm no longer important. XXX is always the one. XXX has a higher standing than me. its always XXX, then me. you seldom ask me, i'm always the one taking the initiative. no calls, whatsoever. it seems as though you no longer care, you no longer bother about me. in everything, oh XXX this, oh XXX that. you no longer ask me why i write what i write. to me, its as though you no longer care. fine, find a new one and ditch the old.
i don't get jealous often, but this is way too extreme. i'm sorry. i just can't help it.
then now, what you asked me to do. i wonder if you ask XXX to do the same to mine. most probably not, i suppose. i'm sorry, i dont know why i'm being like that.
i feel that i'm losing you. its not that i want to be the one and only, but i just dont want to lose a special friend.
:) take care, my friend.
i can't believe i kinda cried about this. you know i seldom cry, so yeah, you roughly know how badly this is affecting me. i'm sorry, i dont know why i'm feeling this way too.Labels: i still love you my friend, ODAC is love (:
|
|
