Yeap, I've learnt.

If it's meant to be, we will start all over again.

For now, it's goodbye. I know it's the right choice. Fate's kinda sadistic, don't you think? Let's see which door will open since I'm officially closing this one. Really trying my utmost not to let the slightest thing shake me; pretty determined to be firm and not waiver this time around.

What happened the other day wasn't a coincidence. More of a sign. What are the odds, really? Was about to press send when a call came in; one that lasted for 20 minutes. After the call ended, it was too late. 'cause of this, I'm pretty certain that I'm making the right choice. Time to see if you really want this as much as I do did.

Hate making a decision like this since I'm the #1 fan of second multiple chances, but this is really an exception. Yes, this whole situation made me really happy. In fact, I actually think 'happy' is a severe understatement. At the same time, this has troubled me for the longest possible time.

Goodbye, once and for all. Let's see what happens in 3 months, shall we.

If it's meant to be, we will start all over again. 
You know where to reach me.

xoxo, Jessica

Arranging one with someone else while oblivious to the fact that ours never took place. And you were the one who suggested it, the one who flew my kite, the one who lied to me, the one who never bothered to make it up or do anything about it apart from a simple 'sorry'. Which btw pales in comparison to other incidents.

*breathe in, breathe out*

Kinda prepared to let this go. The heart isn't willing, but my brain tells me that this is the right choice. I guess it's a blessing in disguise after all. But there're at least 5 more to come.. Only time will tell.

WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER, SERIOUSLY  ._.

I've had enough. Enough of everything, I don't know what to make of this. Guess it was just momentary. It's back to square one all over again.

I need to stop being overly nice to everyone, cause not everyone will reciprocate my good deeds.
Come to think of it, it wasn't an excuse. More of you making use of me; I don't get why you can't do it yourself, seriously.
I may be nice, but always remember that I can be a bitch, especially to people who constantly take me for granted.

I'm really wondering if we should cancel our plans. Only time will tell I guess.

Mixed emotions today.

1. Happy
Somehow, seeing all the other Sociology majors in SOC 293 today made me happy. In some sense, I was glad to be back in school. All these people never fail to make my day.

2. Joy
Realizing that your tutees actually look forward to lessons and their crazy childish acts really warms my heart. And the fact that they stood outside their door and waved until I entered the lift really lifted my spirits.

3. Annoyed
Seriously, what's with your attitude? Maybe I'm guilty of not putting in my 100%. But these things you say and do really put me off y'know. If you think these will make me give my 100%, I'm sorry. They only serve to reduce to percentage.

4. Confused
Are we just finding excuses? It's starting to appear like that to me. I know I was, but I was genuinely surprised that you appeared to be doing the same thing. Or maybe I'm just putting too much thought into this.

5. Relieved
Thanks for being honest. Or was it actually a slip of the tongue?

6. Tired
My readings have to wait. The SOC 293 readings were enough to convince me to shut the book and take a shower. And I was only on the first column of the first page.

7. Excitement
Looking forward to the 21st tmr! Although its a casual gathering without any cake, I'm still pretty excited at the prospect of meeting the ODACians again :)

And I'm still the queen of procrastination. Started typing this post around 1:30am, and I left the tab open. It's now 3:18am and I'm still awake.

交朋友，永远要因为我喜欢这个人。
问题不在于他们能给我什么，而是跟他们在一起我很开心。- @watchmeflyz

Summarizes what has been on my mind for the past few weeks.

Sometimes, we get so caught up with feeling happy that we forget to see the bigger picture: friendship is a 2 way thing. Like what bb said, if she can lie to her friends, there's no doubt that she can do the same to me too.

I guess the best thing now is not to sink to deep into this thing I perceive as 'friendship'.

因为你，我的生活充满了喜悦。但你也有同样的感觉吗？

disclaimer:
(i) if you're someone who cannot stand not knowing what is going on after listening to bits and pieces of something, please skip this post. Unless you're confident that I will tell you what is going on here.
(ii) written after a long day, please pardon the sentence structure or whatever. shall proof read this again when I'm in a better state of mind.

Ranted to J after feeling uber vexed, and she shot this question back at me: what are you going to do if the answer is yes? I thought for a while, and realized that no matter what, I have to accept the person and not judge cause we're free to live as we please. Yes, there're morals and all to abide by but seriously, no one is perfect. We can't go around imposing our opinions on how we should lead our lives on other people, unless we are leading a perfect life. Then again, this idea of perfect is pretty much subjective. One person's definition of perfect might be someone else's definition of immoral. If I'm not a saint, how can I expect someone else to be a saint? I have no right to expect people to live up to my standards. Trust me, I am speaking from experience. It is downright annoying when someone expects you to live according to their standards and expectations. Having someone dictate your life is nothing short of being a pain in the ass, especially when their set of ideals is vastly different from yours.

Okay to be honest, I really don't care. I mean, it's your life, not mine. Yes, it's natural to be concerned but if the tables were turned, I wouldn't like it if someone comes into my life and expects me to change just to live up to their ideals. If it's for the better, I might. But in this instance, I really don't see the point. It's not as if we cannot be friends in this current situation. I wouldn't feel too good in the other person's shoes and quite frankly, I might say that I'd rather give up this friendship than change myself just for the sake of this friendship.

I have come to the realization that it is possible for two people with different ideals and perceptions of fun to get along very well. But this time, I'm gonna take the backseat. I'm tired of being the constant instigator. I need to see proof that you want this to take flight. Else, I'm sorry. I really dislike being the one to make the first move. Like I said earlier, I somehow wind up feeling like I'm being annoying.

And I have come to realize the importance of quality over quantity. I really don't see the point of being a clique just for name's sake. Y'all were once very important to me. But the series of events that have occurred over the past 4 years have led me to conclude that I wouldn't want to waste my time on people who aren't really interested. I don't like the idea of meeting up, acting like the best of friends, before forgetting all about the friendship until the next meet up. What is the use of such superficiality? This has really been an eye-opener. I'm also not an ardern fan of mass meetups. Yes, you still get to see everyone and have fun. But the essence of a true friendship is sucked out in the process.

Then again, maybe different people have different opinions on an ideal friendship. Who am I to judge and impose my ideas on others?

Honestly, I'm really thankful for the people who have stuck with me through thick and thin. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

What if you're a different person?
What if the person I know isn't the person you actually are?
What if you're just putting up a facade?

I don't wanna feel as though I'm trying too hard. But apparently maybe I am more interested in this than you. Will our plans actually materialize? Or will they always be left hanging in mid-air until I take the effort to finalize them? And of course, make me feel like I'm annoying you in the process? As much as I really want this, it's tiring constantly being the one to hold things tgt.

I really don't know. Maybe we should stop all these and start being acquaintances. Then that will solve a lot of my problems and I'll stop thinking so much and wondering how we can be good friends. Truth be told, I really hate feeling that this whole thing is so one-sided.