maybe i was better off not knowing.

i admit, it was an oversight on my part. i should probably have seen this coming; and now i cannot help but feel vulnerable at times whenever i'm around you. but really, what's done is done. i cannot erase it off my mind immediately, but maybe time will work its magic.

you were and still are special to me, and i don't want anything to affect the way things are.

1. this is a clear example of how looks can be deceiving. i do not dismiss the fact that it might be an off-and-on thing, but that doesn't make it more permissible.
    
2. i'm not finding excuses, but i can see how your actions can be justified. after all, i'd have done the same if i were you. so maybe i'll give you the benefit of doubt. i can't help it if people cannot put themselves in your shoes, but i think you can't be bothered with what they think too. 

wait, why do i even care.

remembering the days long gone;
like a ship that has set sail;
maybe missing them a little;
wishing things turned out differently.

the memories bring a smile to my face;
but the smile is instantaneously removed;
because of the state of things.
they make me sick to the stomach sometimes;
oh well that is life.

i might have been happier;
but i choose to be happy with things now;
no use harping on the past;
so let's focus on the task at hand;
and make the present a memorable one.

always easier said than done. prepared myself for this, but somehow i'm still struggling to come to terms with it. it's not easy constantly sacrificing your own wants/desires for the sake of someone who is probably oblivious to it all. trying my best to tolerate it all, but there is a limit and i'm not sure how much longer i can keep up with this facade. i mean, for most of you who really know me, i often don't go along with the crowd unless one whole big group has the same opinions and i'm the odd one out; i don't go, "anything" if i don't really want something.

i voice out my opinions, but sometimes i choose to be okay with anything for the sake of harmony. this is one of the occasions.

we're always chasing after what we know we cannot have. makes me wonder why we love torturing ourselves at times. isn't it easier to put everything down and walk away, instead of constantly looking at it longingly from afar, wishing so badly that it could be ours, yet knowing that it will never be?

i look super good when i use Photo Booth to take a passport picture. but the quality etc fails to meet the standards set by the US Embassy. so i use a normal camera and end up looking like shit, but i upload it anyway because i'm sick and tired of dragging this shit for so long. after all, it's only 2 months. after which my visa becomes a mere souvenir. even my hair is ridiculously frizzy and it doesn't cascade down my shoulders nicely but heckkkkkkk.

then i meet an anal bank teller who didn't offer to help me print out a form he could have easily obtained on the spot and i had to make another trip to the bank pfft. but i'm glad i'm done with everything (FINALLY), and all that's left is just the interview and i'm all set to go! sent Kannan off the other day and i got so excited at the thought that in 3 weeks, it's gonna be me going through those gates.

part of me really wants to run away to the other side of the world as soon as possible to escape from the nonsense in my life right now, but another part of me feels like staying put to be with my friends and all. sigh maybe the time away will do me good. i hope it does, frankly i'm tired of feeling so conflicted. i want something yet i don't want it. can't understand myself sometimes. don't get how i can miss the same person i feel repulsed by, seriously. i'm just a walking contradiction ain't i.

maybe joining Summer FOC was a bad idea. i am having fun, no doubt but maybe i want to be where all the fun is at the expense of others things. no idea how i'm going to schedule all my meetups and pack my luggage in the coming 3 weeks, seriously. i've been putting off some meetups for so long cause of all the exams that its one whole long list, and it doesn't help that i have tuition to juggle too.

anyway, if you're reading this and would like a meetup with me before i leave on the 26th, please let me know and I'll try to meet you alrighty.

there is someone i think i need to meet properly before i leave, but i somehow don't know if i should. maybe i should just let things remain the way they are right now. i don't know if i should risk worsening the horrid state of things right now with my intervention. of course, there is the possibility that things might improve but... i'm really tired of everything to be honest. one of the reasons why i cannot wait to leave. no idea what will happen to this, but somehow i don't really care anymore. i think it's reached a point where i cannot be bothered already. and for something to reach this state for me.. i guess it speaks a lot. oh well. things happen. its all part and parcel of life i guess.

my plans today were postponed at the eleventh hour and i had a to-do list, so i decided to enjoy some alone time. somehow, alone time today wasn't as therapeutic as before, but i wouldn't say it was bad. in fact, it was pretty good. stuck to my intentions of window shopping, although i was really tempted to get a blouse at F21, and i was deciding if i should use TopShop gift card to get a dress, partly because of the amount i need to top-up. frankly, i've always felt that TopShop stuff are pretty over-priced. but i don't deny that some of their stuff look good. just that the price will blow you off your feet. okay i have a feeling i will end up getting both the blouse and the dress this Friday when i head back to town after the interview. this time, i have company! sometimes i hate it when i shop alone cause there is no one to give me opinions. then again, shopping with people like Nelson is as good as shopping by myself cause he just looks at me blankly when i ask for his opinions tskkkk.

the rain came again just as i stepped into an area with no shelter and it got heavier when i had to cross the road. while waiting for the traffic light to turn green, i sought refuge under some trees and this nice lady offered to shelter me. she asked which direction i was headed, and when i asked her the same question, she said that we were headed in the same direction. buttttt i soon realized that she was just being nice, because as soon as we were in a sheltered area, she asked if this place was alright, and headed off somewhere else! warmed my heart that there are still nice Samaritans out there :'))

'twas so cold by the time i had to leave for tuition that i bought a cup of warm tea just to warm my hands on the train. and i highly suspect it's the reason why i'm super awake at 4:43am sigh. doesn't help that i have FOC dry run tmr too oh well.

there are days when i really miss you, and i guess tonight is one of them. not 'i miss you' cause i like you;  just 'i miss you' as a friend. things haven't been the same since the awkward conversation and the letter. then again, things haven't been the same for a super long time now, they just got progressively worse. oh wells, part and parcel of life i guess; people enter your life suddenly and they can leave suddenly too.

maybe its for the better, who knows. in any case, i hope you're doing good.

My husband and I were once with a youth group. There were three kids sitting across from us at a meal: two guys and a girl. The one guy was a computer geek with glasses. The other one was a college student with slightly cooler hair and no glasses. The girl was obviously with him. But while the computer geek was busy serving everyone at the meal, clearing plates and garbage, the college student got angry with the girl for a small accident and poured red juice over her leather jacket and white shirt. She picked the wrong guy, and the juice didn’t seem to change her mind. She is in for some grief if that relationship continues and especially if it leads to marriage.

So to all the young, unmarried Christian girls out there, listen up: who you marry matters. You might think that the way he treats you isn’t so bad. It’s not going to get better after the wedding. You might think that he’ll change. It’s possible, but most don’t. You might think that you’ll be able to minister to him and help him. Possibly, but if you can’t now, you won’t then, and you will be at risk yourself. A husband should lead and cherish you, not need your counsel for basic personality or behavior issues.
Unless someone married is very frank with you, you can’t understand how much a husband will impact your entire life. Next to salvation there is no other long term event that will change so many areas of your life so deeply. Here are just some of the ways that marriage will impact every aspect of living.

1. It will impact you spiritually.
If the guy is not a believer, you can stop right there. You have no business yoking a redeemed soul with an unregenerate one, even if he seems open to change. Christ has bought you with a price and it is not an option to give away that blood bought heart to someone who doesn’t know and love your Lord. It will cripple your spiritual development, open up a host of temptations, stifle your prayer life, make regular church going difficult, and cause massive parenting conflict if you have children.
If the guy is a believer, is he a strong one? Will he lead you in prayer, Bible reading, family devotions, and public worship? Or will you be on your own? Is he going to make spiritual growth a priority or do other things come first? Is he going to ask you how it’s going with your soul so he can help you grow in holiness and love for Christ, or will he leave that to your pastor? Is he going to lead the children in this, or will you have to spearhead that? In church, is he going to help the kids sit well, pray, find the hymn, or will you be the one pointing out what is happening next and helping the family keep up? Many women have married spiritually immature men, thinking that it wasn’t a big issue, or that the man would change, and they were wrong. They bear the scars.

The health of your eternity is at stake. Think carefully.

2. It will impact you emotionally.
Is the guy you’re thinking of going to encourage you, love you, be kind to you, and seek to understand you, or will he want to go out with the guys when you’re having a hard night? Will he listen when you are struggling with something or will he be preoccupied with a video game? Is he going to be annoyed when you cry or will he get you Kleenex and give you a hug? Is he going to going to understand that you are probably more tender than he is, more sensitive to issues and comments, or is he regularly going to run rough shod over your feelings? One woman was struggling to breastfeed her new baby, believing that that was the best thing for her, but it was very difficult. Instead of giving support and encouragement, the husband would make mooing sounds whenever he saw his wife working at it. We have to get rid of princess complexes, but we do have emotional needs. Any guy who is uncaring about your feelings and self esteem is selfish and should be left alone.

Be careful – a husband can cripple or foster emotional health.

3. It will impact you physically.
Is the guy you’re with going to provide for your basic needs? Will he be able to shelter, clothe and feed you? At one point in our marriage, I was worried that there was no employment opportunity. My husband assured me that he would work at McDonalds, dig ditches, clean up roadkill – whatever it took to provide for the family, regardless of his gifts and training. That’s the kind of attitude you want. A man who doesn’t provide for his household is worse than an infidel (I Tim. 5:8). You might have to help ease the financial burden, but unless your husband is disabled or there is another unusual circumstance, you shouldn’t have to carry it yourself.

Will the man you are with care for your body or abuse it? If he gives you little smacks, kicks, etc. when you’re dating, get away. It’s almost guaranteed that he will abuse you after marriage, and stats show that’s especially true when you are pregnant. Is he going to care for and protect your body or will he hurt it? There are women in churches across America who thought it was no big deal to have little (sort of friendly) punches or slaps from their boyfriends, but who are covering up the bruises from their husbands.

Will the man you are with care for you sexually? Is he going to honour the marriage bed in physical and mental faithfulness to you or will he flirt, feed his porn addiction, or even leave you for another woman? You can’t always predict these issues, but if the seeds or practices are already there, watch out. I recently saw a newly married couple and the husband was flirting openly with another woman. Unless something drastic happens, that marriage is headed for disaster.

Is he going to be tender and gentle to you in bed? An unbelieving co-worker once told my sister that after her first sexual encounter, she had trouble walking for a few days because her boyfriend was so rough. In other words, he wasn’t selfless enough to care for the body of the woman he said he loved.
Watch out. Your body needs care and protection.

4. It will impact you mentally.
Is the man that you’re thinking of going to be a source of worry or will he help you deal with your worries? Is he going to encourage your intellectual development, or will he neglect it? Is he going to value your opinions and listen to what you are thinking, or will he disregard your thoughts? Is he going to help you manage stress so that your mind is not burdened that way, or is he going to let you struggle through issues alone? Is he going to care for you and be thoughtful of you if you are experiencing mental strain, or will he ignore it? I know of a woman who could handle pregnancy and child birth very well physically but postpartum depression took a huge toll on her mind. The husband overlooked it, continuing to have more children, until his wife ended up in a mental institution.
You might think that the intellectual or mental side of a marriage is small. It’s bigger than you think.

Consider it seriously.

5. It will impact you relationally.
How’s your relationship with your mother? Your dad? Do you love them? Does your boyfriend? Fast forward ten years: you tell your husband that your mother is coming for the weekend. Is he excited? Disappointed? Angry? Making snide jokes with his friends? Of course, a husband should come first in your priority of relationships, as you both leave father and mother and cleave to one another. But parents are still a big part of the picture. Whatever negative feelings he has about your parents now will probably be amplified after marriage. Your marriage will either strengthen or damage – even destroy – your relationship with your parents. The people who know you best and love you most right now could be cut out of the picture by a husband who hates them.

It’s the same with sisters and friends. Will they be welcomed, at reasonable times, in your home? Will the guy who you’re with encourage healthy relationships with other women, or will he be jealous of normal, biblical friendships? Will he help you mentor younger women and be thankful when older women mentor you, or will he belittle that?

Don’t sacrifice many good relationships for the sake of one guy who can’t value the people who love you.

So how will your boyfriend do after the vows? Because this is just a sampling of the ways that a husband can bless or curse his wife. The effects are far reaching, long lasting, and either wonderful or difficult. True, there are no perfect men out there. But there are great ones. And it’s better to be single for life than to marry someone who will make your life a burden. Singleness can be great. Marriage to the wrong person is a nightmare. I’ve been in a church parking lot where the pastor had to call the police to protect a wife from a husband who was trying to stop her from worshiping and being with her family. It’s ugly. Don’t be so desperate to get married that your marriage is a grief. If you are in an unhappy marriage, there are ways to get help. But if you’re not married, don’t put yourself in that situation. Don’t marry someone whose leadership you can’t follow. Don’t marry someone who is not seeking to love you as Christ loved the church. Marry someone who knows and demonstrates the love of Christ.

credits: the Christian Pundit

i guess no one actually knows me really really well unless i let them in on my life. you may know what makes me tick, what i'm like when i'm annoyed, sad etc, why i do some of the things i do. but that's only because i show it. trust me, there are a lot of things that i try very hard to hide. and they have remained hidden, unless i talk about it. every time i do, i get shocked responses.

i don't usually hide things; my face is like an open book and people can sense when i'm not happy. i talk about things that make me sad and angry, i don't usually bottle up my feelings. i remember talking about an issue earlier this year, and a friend of mine went, "huh Jess i thought you didn't care about?" well... i'd say that this is a sensitive issue, and i don't like talking about it because there are many layers of the story. talking about one layer alone has the danger of people misunderstanding the situation. after all, every action has a reaction. so i'd rather y'all think that i don't care, rather than let you in on everything.

and i find it hard to let people in on these issues, prolly due to pride i guess. i don't want people judging me because they don't know the full story. i know that sometimes people cannot understand why i do the things i do because they haven't been in my shoes and haven't walked my path. i have a tendency to be insecure about many things, but i just don't show it. i don't like to appear dependent; i want to be able to fight my own wars and slay my own dragons without the help of others. i think that if i were to let people in on my insecurities, many of you will see me in a different light. i probably won't be this cheerful and carefree girl you all know. you'd prolly come to the realization that my life is pretty messed up, just like anyone else's. i guess because of all these, i've learnt to be easily contented. no, i'm not naive and subsequently easy to please. it's just that i've seen enough, so much till i've learnt to treasure the little things that come my way.

so.. if i ever talk to you about my insecurities, please know that you mean something to me, and that i trust you. and of course, don't judge me. most of the time, i just need someone to listen to my problems.

how do you deal with a lie?
there has a been a pressing question bugging you, and you receive the answer unexpectedly. however, you soon realize that although the answer is something pleasing to your ear, it seems to be false. or maybe it's just a facade to conceal the real issue, hidden beneath several layers.

why do people present a different version of what they perceive to be the truth just to elevate their status and make themselves sound like the victim? will it hurt just to speak the truth? yes your friendship is maintained, but do you feel good about it? this friendship was rekindled on the basis of false pretences. it isn't true anymore.

or maybe you feel that this friendship is worth more, and there is a fear that the truth will hurt the fabric. I don't know, never liked concealing the truth just to make people feel better. or even to make me look good. it always weighs on my conscience after a while :/ which is also why I am contemplating coming clean about everything. then again, really really fearful that this lie will signify the end of the friendship since its the main reason why things are where they are now. okay see I am a walking contradiction sigh.

SOC 390 quiz #2 worth 25% of my total grade tmr, yet I spend my time thinking about inconsequential issues like these. what a wrong time for my brain to wander off, seriously. and this isn't a standalone case.
anyhow, really thankful for people like M who attempted to put a smile on my face in the midst of all these nonsense! :)) [altho he ultimately abandoned his mission midway 'cause I laughed at him. tskkk I was merely stating facts hmph]

okay bye back to studying! told Y before she left that I'd concentrate and stop thinking about these issues heh. sorryyyyyyy~ Jessica will be a good girl and return to my notes now.

there are just some days where I miss what we had. I miss you, I miss the old us. it hurts even more when I'm with people and i see it happening; sometimes I can't help but think to myself, "this used to be us."

and I ask myself why. what changed? I don't know. if that is the reason why we are where we are today, I'm partially speechless. never thought you'd do something like this. and if it is, then does this mean it has been the only reason sustaining this thing all these while?

it's a mixture of disappointment, disgust, sadness and anger. would things have continued to be the way they were had I/we not told you what I/we did? some days, I think about you and I wonder if it was the right decision after all. in all honesty, I did not realize that I was essentially closing the door when I said that. regret? well maybe partially.

people can tell you what to do, but they cannot tell you what to feel.  sometimes, people learn only by falling flat on their face. i think i'm one of those people. but aye, c'est la vie; we always want the things we cannot have.

I think life is playing a cruel joke on me. the week i have multiple meetups is also the week with a gazillion deadlines. and the former was planned with no prior knowledge of the latter. champion, i know. plus i think i'm on the verge of falling sick. been so busy of late that i've hardly had time to chill, much less get adequate rest.

in other news, can't help but feel disappointed. ironic much, because I'm trying really hard to get it out of my system, and this actually works in my favour. somehow can't help but miss the old times, sigh. and i think there's a little disgust thrown into the sea of feelings, because i'm kinda surprised at the state we're in right now. makes me wonder why everything started in the first place and if that's the only reason why this has sustained for such a long time.

oh well, things will get better.

(i hope)

the amazing thing about the human mind is that even though you haven't been to a place for the past couple of years, you are somehow still able to find your way around instinctively. maybe its like a camera, capturing all the precious moments in life and saving it in a memory card, ready for retrieval when the situation deems fit.

spent a bit of my childhood staying over at my aunt's place in Bedok, and that day when I decided to pop by after playing badminton with Beer Family, everything felt the same. even though the shops in the area had changed, and the blocks had a new coat of paint, i found myself in familiar territory. turned into the carpark where her block was, and i just walked straight, knowing exactly where to go. and when i got to the block, i instinctively knew which lift to take, and which direction i should turn after reaching the correct level. really glad we moved badminton to the East, and really glad i decided to pop by her place. 'twas an escape from the ugly realities of life, albeit temporal.

that day was undoubtedly one of the best in a long while, although i was exceptionally whiny for god knows what reason. ventured into unfamiliar territory to meet J for lunch, and he gives ultra horrible instructions zomg. really wanted to kill him so badly. but lunch was really good, missed all his nonsense haha. plus it was a really very random meetup!

the weird thing is that although all these things happened, my day was still kinda mehhhhh. happy moments followed by a bout of 'ugh why is life like that' feeling. can't understand the human mind sometimes too oh well.

hello you,

you came unexpectedly and halfway through the process, i started to wonder if it was even a good idea. after it was completed however, i stared in admiration. it was beautiful. had to wait a long time for it to settle, but as they say, good things are always worth the wait.

and then it started to display signs of wear and tear much sooner than expected. but in the midst of it all, i still loved it, and somehow just looking at it made me happy. i guess it's all about looking at the big picture and not allowing little imperfections and flaws to cloud your judgements; its all about tolerance. but as the days passed, somehow the damage became worse. as much I couldn't bear to remove it, the sight of my nails kinda became an eye sore.

under normal circumstances, one cotton patch would suffice. however this time, i had much difficultly removing it and even after using 4 patches and a lot more effort, it seems as though there are slight traces of it left on my nails. or maybe it's just me thinking too much. but i do know for a fact that my nails somehow feel rough now. to everyone, my nails may look the same, but it seems as though my nails are changed forever.

maybe someday i'll get to relieve those happy moments again. but even though the colour may still be the same, the journey will undoubtedly be different. or maybe I'll be happier with a new coat.

in any case, know that i loved you very much, and even though i had my doubts initially, i did not regret my both my eventual decisions. i will really miss the happy moments, and till we meet again.

xoxo,
Jessica

i don't want to go anywhere,
i don't want to know what's going on.

i want to be this clueless girl,
walking down the streets with a perpetual smile,
oblivious to everything,
living the life that she wants to,
without any expectations or obligations.

'I know this sounds like a cliché, but really, it's not you…" I stopped listening at this point. I knew what was coming. In my mind I had already dumped myself several times before Lizzie finally got round to doing it. She was clever, talented, beautiful; and I had lost her in a personal best time of six weeks.

"Perhaps you were too nice," a friend, Flora, suggested a couple of days later.
"Don't be ridiculous."
"You've got to play the game – play hard to get."
And then it clicked. "You mean, like, restrict my supply?"

She rolled her eyes, a reaction I was used to getting whenever I translated something, quite unnecessarily, into economic language. "I guess you could put it like that."

A few days passed. The initial shock began to wear off. Perhaps we weren't right for each other after all. Anyhow, I shouldn't really have expected it to end any other way. I had gone on plenty of dates but no relationship had lasted. Whenever I did find a girl I liked, I let my emotions build up too much steam, and she would run.

Yet, as an economist, I had always prided myself on my ability to think rationally and get myself out of even the most complex of problems. And now, thinking about it, the idea that I had oversupplied myself seemed to make a lot of sense. I started thinking about what else I might be able to learn from applying the principles of economics to my love life – or lack of it.

The theory that people have a market value, rather than an intrinsic or absolute value, has been around for centuries. Thomas Hobbes, the 17th-century political philosopher, believed we are essentially worthless, and are valuable only to the extent that others think we are. In short, we are prey to the opinions and demands of the market. One day the market might want blondes, the next brunettes, and those blondes and brunettes will see their price vary accordingly.

Online dating is perhaps the most clearcut example of market principles in the world of romance, but there is evidence everywhere. It is common to speak of ourselves as being "back on the market" when we've ended a relationship, or "damaged goods" after a traumatic break-up.

Likewise, we are all familiar with the idea of playing hard to get – although this particular concept, as I soon learned, is rather more complicated than it first seems. Usually when we try to sell something, and don't find any takers after some time, our natural response is to cut the price, and continue to do so until we find a willing buyer. Playing hard to get, however, results in an increase in price, not a decrease.

Most goods fall into one of two categories: essential goods, or luxury goods. We generally prefer essential goods, such as staple foods, drinks and household items, to be as cheap as possible. This is not the case, however, for luxury items, such as jewellery and fast cars, whose relative value derives not only from their quality, but also from their exclusivity. For instance, people buy Rolex watches not necessarily because they tell the time better than, say, a Timex, but because they are beyond the reach of most people. To maintain this status-symbol quality, Rolex makes very few watches, and charges a lot for them. If Rolex increased the number it produced, the price of the watches would fall.

When it comes to marketing ourselves, it looks as if playing hard to get is, in part, as for Rolex watches, an effort to maintain our status as luxury goods. We want to brand ourselves as someone that only the very best could be with. For one's affections to come too easily makes the recipient feel that just about anyone else could have, or already has, been in their shoes.

However, as I discovered, playing hard to get in the initial stages of courtship – when you are trying to meet someone in a bar or at a party – doesn't really work. There's so much competition that any attempt to increase your price may actually make you less attractive. When I first tried testing this theory, I approached a girl in a club, only to leave her mid-conversation to return to my friends. I thought I had played it perfectly, but I found her later chatting up someone else. Clearly, if other guys are offering similar goods in terms of their looks and small talk, but are not playing hard to get, they are offering a better deal.

I realised that you can only play hard to get once the woman actually knows and likes you. This is because by then you have differentiated yourself from the other men on the market, so you gain more control over your market price. As you come to be seen as an individual with unique characteristics, rather than one of many men trying to get some attention in a club, the market structure changes from one of many competitors selling homogeneous goods to one of a handful of competitors. Playing hard to get is suited only to at least the second or third date, because only then is demand sufficiently inelastic for a woman to tolerate, or even be attracted by, a rise in price.



A few months after Lizzie dumped me, I met Sarah: nice, fun, pretty. I mustered the courage to ask her out for a drink. The date went well. I sent her a message afterwards saying that I'd had a good time and would like to meet up again.

"Yeah, sure, sounds good," she replied. I could already tell she was playing this one cool. I learned from our mutual friends that she had no intention of getting into a relationship. OK, I thought, I know this game. Be cool, too, establish a monopoly, restrict your supply.

I liked Sarah. I found her attractive, and there was definitely some long-term potential. How was I supposed to communicate this to her without actually saying it?

Economically speaking, a signal is a visible cost incurred by an individual that reveals information about their preferences or what type of person they are. As most men are willing to part with their cash to impress a woman, spending money in itself is no way to reveal that you really like someone. Instead, a carefully considered choice of restaurant, perhaps one that shows some kind of link to something you discussed at your last meeting, is much more effective as a signal of genuine interest. Similarly, choosing a lunch date rather than a dinner date says, "I have no intention of trying it on with you, this time."

That said, evidence of too much planning can be an oversupply. Or, to put it another way, it can be just plain creepy. So you need a costly signal that can convey information about your preferences, without diminishing your market value. I got to work thinking about how I would follow up my first date keeping this trade‑off in mind.

It would be a lunch date in the park. We'd pick up a sandwich from a local deli and laze around on the grass, chatting. The plan was meant to signal I was happy to put the brakes on, as well as show I was interested in more.

The second date went well and, against all the odds, Sarah and I broke through the six-week barrier. Sarah seemed to like me for the complete package, for all my various imperfections as well as my good parts. Our relationship made my life better in practically all areas.

But as the months passed, Sarah's tolerance of my misdemeanours seemed to diminish. Soon I found that none of my various shortcomings – my messiness, my lateness – was going unnoticed. Life was becoming a bit of a drag, and I got to thinking about what else might be on offer.

Being with Sarah cost me time, money and emotional investment. It also cost me the things that I couldn't have because I was with her, such as nights out with my friends and the chance to meet other women. Those missed things are what are known, in economic terms, as opportunity costs. With these, we have to look at our spending decisions relative to what else is available to make sure we're getting the best deal for ourselves.

Now I just needed to apply this thinking to my predicament with Sarah. If I were to take Sarah in complete isolation, I would say I was happy. We were a great team, we had put a lot into the relationship and, though the returns on my investment were diminishing, we might still be able to get a lot more out of it. But when I looked at what I was missing out on, I wasn't so sure.

"I kind of feel that I've been growing apart from my friends recently," I said to Sarah. "Do you really want to look back on your 20s and regret all those things you didn't do?"
"So you're saying that you're going to regret being with me?"
"No! Don't be silly… I think we've had a great time so far."
"Yes, we have," she agreed. "I know things have been a bit rocky recently, but we've put so much into this…"

The words "We've put so much into this" struck a chord. Sarah, I realised, was making the same mistake I had made one night when I spent four whole hours queueing to get into a club. Each time I thought about leaving to find another club, or go home, I thought, "Well, I've already waited half an hour, so it would be a waste of my time if I left now." If I'd thought more like an economist, I'd have known to disregard the time I had already spent queueing. That time had been and gone; it was a sunk cost. What I should have asked was, "What do I want to be doing right now?"

In the same way, my attachment to the time that Sarah and I had already spent together, and the bond that had formed between us as a result, shouldn't cloud the fact that what I was missing could make me happier. I needed to stop asking, "Given that I am in a relationship with Sarah, what reason do I have to break up with her?" and ask instead, "Given that I am in a relationship and could be in another relationship, or none at all, what reason do I have to stay with her?"

Two nice, compromising people could stay together indefinitely if they continued to ask the former question rather than the latter. They would trundle along together, amicably, for their whole lives. And yet they could still be missing something, and be completely oblivious to it. I wasn't going to be one of those people. I was only in my 20s. The time for me to say "You'll do" was still a long way off. It was time to liquidate my investment and buy back into the market.

When I started dating again, I soon realised something in me had changed. Perhaps Hobbes wasn't the best model to go by after all. I'd become so concerned that I wouldn't get back from a relationship at least as much as I put in that I put in a little, and ended up getting nothing back. Being completely self-interested, I realised, was not just morally dubious but economically inefficient.

And so I started to think like a Keynesian. Keynesians don't believe that balancing a budget is the immediate solution to economic malaise. Keynesian governments try to restore the thing that badly performing economies are generally lacking: confidence. They do this by borrowing money and spending it on public projects, which create jobs, which in turn increases consumption, which creates more jobs. This upwards spiral of investment, production and consumption is known as the Keynesian Multiplier. If the multiplier works, the government can actually get back more from the taxpayer than it originally spent, as the rest of the economy increases production and with it the tax it pays.

When I met Rosie, I changed my strategy. We reached the familiar third-date impasse, and I could tell Rosie was on the defensive. But instead of playing along, settling into my defensive mode and waiting for her to budge, I decided to be open. I said, in as many words, "I like you. I want to spend more time with you."

Over the ensuing weeks I gave, in many ways, more than I could ever, rationally, have expected to get back from her. Getting back as much as I put in wasn't really the point. I just wanted to make her happy. And the more I gave, the more Rosie showed to me the person she really was. We fell for each other. I was no longer happy just because I liked the idea of making her happy, but because I was getting to know the real Rosie. The multiplier effect had kicked in: knowing that I was in some way responsible for the flowering of the person in front of me made me want to give her even more, and she, in turn, gave more back. We became more than the sum of our parts.

Keynesian economics and love, it turns out, have rather a lot in common: they both work not by balancing budgets, or reducing supply to increase prices, but by inspiring trust. Economics did, in the end, provide me with an answer – just not the one I expected.

credits: the guardian

I never really believed in the horoscope tweets. yes, i follow those accounts, but i hardly read their tweets. i have no idea why i even follow them haha. just now, i randomly looked at @TrulyCapricorns' tweets and somehow, they really made a hell lot of sense. i used to believe (and maybe I still do) that we are all unique and these horoscopes thingy merely generalize things.

they write these different things every day and hope that these things describe some of the readers. for the rest? they'll think, nevermind, maybe tmr's will be about me.

                                               - Angela Ang (played by Janice Koh), The Pupil 2.

are we really classified according to the time period during which we were born? does society hand us social scripts according to our horoscopes? i don't think so. okay, but I gotta admit, as much as i would want to refute all these horoscope claims, part of me has to admit that most of them describe me. or maybe most of the horoscopes say the same thing, i don't know.

i always believed that almost everything in life is a product of nurture, not nature. your feelings and emotions are moulded since you were born, after experiencing the different seasons that life puts you through. and these experiences shape your mindset and subsequently attitude in life. how then, can two people be so similar, seeing as how we have totally different upbringings? it's really scary. and the best part is that these 2 people share the same horoscope. y'know, as much as I refuse to buy the horoscope story, some if these things are really screaming in my face. but i still stand my ground that all these is a mere coincidence. i guess we should take all these with a pinch of salt. daily entertainment huh?

i had something else on my mind, in fact it has been on my mind for the past 2 days. but somehow, i just can't find the words to pen it down. maybe some other time.

just the other day, i realized how dumb this entire thing is. and it's really taking a toll on me. i really find it so ridiculous that I'm not fully free to do what I want; i find myself constantly thinking of ways to avoid the awkwardness; I find myself coming up with alternatives to work things around the situation.

so much for doing what makes me happy. and it's just so hypocritical don't you think? cold one moment, hot the next. why can't we let our true feelings show? or maybe this is like the Cold War huh, action-reaction.

and as a result of all these, I can't even make sense of my inner thoughts. i feel so conflicted that it's really annoying. I don't know what I want from it all. and if I knew my 'self' in reality, I think I'll judge her for her split personality. and trust me, it's really very extreme.

sitting on my bed and suddenly this thought occurred to me: what if it's just a different level instead? what if things are actually still the same, and that what's happening now is but a mere disguise?

sorry if i'm being pessimistic, but this incident has allowed me to realize that people are really not who they appear to me. it's really disgusting to be honest. I thought you were better than this.

oh wells, such is life. time and time again i've told myself not to let your words and actions affect me. but somehow, it's a lot easier said than done. and yes, i know why this is so. don't judge me unless you're in my shoes. kthxbye