never thought someone could make me feel this much anger, never thought that forgiving someone would be so hard. most of the time, i get angry only for a while. this time it looks like it'll take quite some time for the anger to dissipate. after all, i was angry to the extent that i started swearing. for most of you who knew me before UB, yes i don't swear. urgh, hate it so much.

i hate looking at you and rolling my eyes, i hate being uncomfortable whenever you're around. that's not me, and that's not who i want to be. can we go back to when we first met? i prefer that over whatever awkwardness and hatred there is between us now. Cold War much? period of hostility and tension.

sighpie. how did we even reach this silent agreement to give one another the cold shoulder?

i think I'm the most conflicted soul around. i can't seem to make up my mind at all. 
I know I'm just so damn screwed up, no idea why.

stop judging, all of you. it's really a struggle for me, esp with the circumstances at that time. i find it so ridiculous that i find myself at opposite ends of the spectrum ever so often and trust me, it is downright annoying. somehow, y'all seem to think i like how i'm feeling now. trust me, it isn't a pleasant feeling. no one really knows the magnitude of my almost daily struggle. follow your heart, they said. but in this case, my heart is leading me down the path of agony instead of happiness. things are always easier said than done. i can say that I will break free totally but somehow along the line, i find myself wanting to go back.

this whole boat analogy pretty much sums up my internal struggle.

in some sense i was glad circumstances did not allow me to say what I wanted to say to you on Friday, but I will say it one day. maybe a mellowed down version, but I'm not gonna hold back; you will know what a total nightmare you have turned these few months into.

as much as i want to, i can't seem to put it all behind me. maybe time and distance will help me to get over this turmoil of emotions and i can finally close this agonizing chapter of my life.

really hate it that something so trivial can really affect my emotions.

just the other day, i realized how dumb this entire thing is. and it's really taking a toll on me. i really find it so ridiculous that I'm not fully free to do what I want; i find myself constantly thinking of ways to avoid the awkwardness; I find myself coming up with alternatives to work things around the situation.

so much for doing what makes me happy. and it's just so hypocritical don't you think? cold one moment, hot the next. why can't we let our true feelings show? or maybe this is like the Cold War huh, action-reaction.

and as a result of all these, I can't even make sense of my inner thoughts. i feel so conflicted that it's really annoying. I don't know what I want from it all. and if I knew my 'self' in reality, I think I'll judge her for her split personality. and trust me, it's really very extreme.

I have no recollection of half of what happened last night. No idea what happened with the ang-moh dude, no idea what happened with the kiss. Best part was that I had no recollection of how I ended up at Gabby's house after alighting from the cab. Win.
(edit: 6th Sept 2012.
So apparently the kiss was all a lie, and I was asleep when the ang-moh dude appeared. Is that any consolation? But the last bit is still wiped out, weirdly enough. Cause I remember what happened after I woke up; I remember what I said/did, i even remembered protesting when I had to reveal something.)

All I know is that I was half-asleep most of the time, and that I puked in the river. I remember small snippets of things here and there but the significant happenings are totally foreign to me. I honestly thought that Gabby and Elroy were bluffing me. Until I saw the Whatsapp convo.

Thankful that I had a convincing story, although there was a major loophole; one that my parents picked on immediately. Coast is clear for now, although they're uber disappointed. :/
Truth be told, I feel guilty too.

Dear mummy and daddy,
I'm sorry for lying to you about last night. Truth is that I was out having fun. I know y'all are disappointed with the my-keys-were-with-my-friend-and-his-phone-died-so-I-couldn't-contact-him-and-y'all-were-asleep-so-I-couldn't-come-home explantation, and I can't imagine the amount of disappointment when y'all find out the truth. Less than 7 hours after telling you guys and I'm already guilt-ridden. 

:/