never thought someone could make me feel this much anger, never thought that forgiving someone would be so hard. most of the time, i get angry only for a while. this time it looks like it'll take quite some time for the anger to dissipate. after all, i was angry to the extent that i started swearing. for most of you who knew me before UB, yes i don't swear. urgh, hate it so much.

i hate looking at you and rolling my eyes, i hate being uncomfortable whenever you're around. that's not me, and that's not who i want to be. can we go back to when we first met? i prefer that over whatever awkwardness and hatred there is between us now. Cold War much? period of hostility and tension.

sighpie. how did we even reach this silent agreement to give one another the cold shoulder?

really glad this torture is over. as i sat in Starbucks trying to study for tmr's paper, i really felt like taking a break. and i vividly remember the exact situation 2 semesters ago, as I sat at the same place, trying to study for SOC 294 and PSY 101. and the same feeling of desperation, of being cooped up against my will. still remember being frustrated cause i couldn't digest any shit from Psych while listening to music and 2 ah-lians next to me were talking at the top of their annoying voices, i even remember sitting next to this girl who was coincidentally from UB. and she was studying for some comms paper. okay stalker much.

never thought this semester would make me feel that way again, but you don't know how glad i am that it's the end. this semester has been a downright torture in more ways than one. to think i was actually looking forward to Fall'12. can't believe i actually thought it'd be an awesome semester.

going to school became a torture. as if it wasn't bad enough that there was nothing to look forward to, there were things that made me dread school so badly. such an irony because these were things i thought would actually make school enjoyable.

and maybe no one really knows how bad it is. some people say they can read me like a book. yet there are always some parts of me that no one actually knows. like how vulnerable i am at times. somehow, most of my close friends seem to think that nothing can bring me down. maybe i just do a really good job of hiding my insecurities.

this just came at a really bad timing. sometimes i feel like crying myself to sleep. things haven't been awesome, i really miss the old times. i miss being me, without caring so much about what other people thought.

superficiality? maybe. or maybe i have been too sheltered previously. things have changed too drastically. i'm trying to adapt but somehow i can't seem to let go of the past.

and quite frankly, i don't know if i should rejoice or despair. yes, it wouldn't be the same as but i really want to put it all behind me. i've struggled for more than half of the semester and on the last day, i was glad it was over. but such a simple act of mine got me caught up in it all over again. and this time, it was a lot deeper. then the next day, all the hatred surfaced again, stronger than ever before. drastic ends of the spectrum, i know.

i really don't know why i'm so caught up in this, seriously. and it's really taking a toll on me. looks like the concept of time and distance isn't gonna be applicable once again.

sigh, will i ever get out of all these? i really don't want to go through the process one more time. the emotional torture isn't one that i long for. i hate this, really.