I don't get it, I really don't. But I shall leave all these for another day, 'cause right now I'm more concerned with trying to do well for my Social Change paper tmr.

It is getting better, but then again, it's only because I'm comparing it with something that was extremely bad. And y'know what they say. 'once you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up.' Maybe rock-bottom is an exaggeration, but y'know what I mean.

So glad I'm not having tuition tmr. At this rate, I think I'll be cranky if people annoy me tmr. Doesn't help that it's that time of the month again.

OH i just remembered. Philo blog debate's due tmr too. Okay bye back to studying.

random photo with the awesomely nice Varsity jacket!

had this crazy idea to purchase hair dye and dye my hair while studying just now, don't ask me why. United Square's Cold Storage only had 2 brands, and the shades were all rather mehhh. wanted to head to Nex's FairPrice to get it, so I told myself I'd if I finished writing all my notes. but i finished at half past eleven, and it was too late. I'd have headed over to Nex if not for my curfew tbh.

maybe tmr. okay this was a really random and crazy idea. maybe I'll be more sensible when i wake. kinda prefer going to the saloon but then again, i can only do it one month from today, cause i'm mad busy.

if i'm still thinking about having red hair tmr, i will buy a box of hair dye.

dear diary,

it has been a rough 9 weeks. from uncertainty to certainty to uneasiness to partial forgiveness to hatred. they say all things happen for a reason. i may not know why such a thing happened, but maybe someday I will look back at this chapter of my life and fully comprehend everything.

it was nice meeting you.

xoxo,
Jessica

really so thankful for all the angels He has sent into my life

so touched that one rmbed what was going on and tried to help me prevent any shit from happening even though we haven't exactly spoken in the past week, plus the fact that he actually went straight to the organizer; and another for always being there whenever I was feeling down. it's always a coincidence that a conversation starts whenever I'm angsty, really so thankful for the listening ear.

I couldn't have asked for more. to the two of you, thanks for always being there for me. and to the first angel, you don't know how grateful i am for what you did eventually. much love from me to you both! :)

no idea why I woke up with a headache, seeing as how i was totally sober the entire night. i do know why I woke up feeling immensely angry though.

anyway, i really think that not going to church doesn't mean that you're not a good christian or whatever nonsense. if you end up going to church just 'cause you're expected to, then there is really no point in going. if you don't benefit from the sermon and all, what's the point? i don't really believe in going through the motions in life. you go to church with the intention of feeding your spiritual hunger and to grow stronger in your faith. if what you're doing doesn't fulfill those needs of yours, what's the point?

to me, religion is not something that is strengthened by your environment. it's more of experiences that strengthen my faith. that's what I've been telling people when they argue about the existence of God. some might disagree with me but sorry, this is what I believe in. furthermore, so many people have said that Christianity is not a religion, but a relationship with God, and I know for certain that you can have a relationship with Him even if you do not go to church.

disclaimer: i'm not a person who uses vulgarities but in this case, words cannot describe how enraged i am.

I'm sorry to say this, but you're seriously fucking screwed up.

I'm trying to be as civil as possible about this, but there is a limit to the level of shit I can handle and my tolerance level

the world doesn't revolve around you. we are all different, you have no right to impose your mindsets on the rest of society and expect us to abide by them; you do not have any fucking right to judge us.

fuck you seriously, what are you trying to do? just so you know, damage has already been done. your image has been tarnished.

so much for trying to accommodate you previously. why the fuck did I even try?!

and if other people are aware of it, I seriously don't see how the fuck you can not know. or maybe it was just a fucking convenient excuse. fuck off, seriously.

I haven't been this angry for a long time. some people just deserve to burn in hell, period. fucked up much, why the fuck are you so fucking narrow minded. and to be honest I don't see why it's only me. unless you are fucking sure that you know all the people you interact with well enough to pass judgement. no right, then you should just shut up.

seriously.

the dynamics of things have changed. I'm making a conscious effort, but somehow deep down, I know that it isn't what I want. then again, such is life; you hardly get what you want.

frankly, this takes a lot of getting used to. and for the record, I really really don't like this. but, not like i have a choice luh.


in other news, i'm so very sick of school, and we've finally hit the halfway mark. you have no idea how badly i want this semester to end.

as much as I'd like to give excuses and attribute my shortcomings to external factors, i know that ultimately, i should take responsibility for my own actions. things can change, and i will be the author of the change. since i have authorship over my life.

however, talk is cheap. i couldn't bring myself to do my work last night, choosing to sleep even though I wasn't tired. which explains why i'm up and on the computer this early. even deadlines like the submission timing for NTR didn't deter me from choosing my bed over anything else. quiz in about one hour's time, and i kinda have no idea what one of the readings is about other than the fact that all the discourses are institutionalized. 

Every time I drink milk tea (or it's equivalent) to keep me awake when I'm sleepy, I'll be high and nonsensical for a period of time, before becoming cranky.

Philo mid-terms was nonsensical, end of story. Left early from pageant training, waited for ages for the bus. Didn't want to wait for 15 minutes for the bus at MacRitche, decided to alight at Bishan instead. Sudden urge to spend money, but one can barely shop at Junction 8. Random text from J asking if I wanted food, who was coincidentally on his way to Bishan. Accompanied him to eat, and I unintentionally ranted a lot. Happens when I'm cranky; which was pretty much the case tonight. Sorry J! And thanks for the listening ear, heh :D

Have I mentioned how much I dislike and detest Monday and Wednesday lessons? So thankful that we're already halfway through this semester.

This has gotta be the most fun-filled week I've had since.. idk, forever? I've been pretty caught up with school ever since Summer 2 rolled by, and I'm grateful for this weekend. No tests/assignments due next week, with the exception of Philo midterms. It's Philo and it's open book, so yeah. No idea how to study for it, if it's even possible to study. After today, it's back to the books.

randomly thought about the first few weeks of Fall'12.

le sigh. look at how much things have changed since then.

worst day I've ever had in ages. I swear.

"yup I used to, but not anymore."
sometimes I really want to dig a hole in the ground and bury myself in there.

i don't care. from this moment forth, I'm gonna be a happy girl. like i used to be.

read through my livejournal, realized what a roller-coaster ride these 6 weeks have been. so many things have happened, i've had to figure so many things out, i've come to several realizations, i've made several conclusions about myself.

this wasn't what i signed up for. then again, grateful for the new bonds that have been forged, as well as the bonds that have grown tighter. so thankful, really.

9 more weeks till the end of the semester, i will get through this.

**if you manage to hunt down my livejournal, good for you. then again, majority of my posts are private ;))

i somehow miss Spring'12. yes, the modules were totally rubbish and i hated them to the core but somehow the company made up for it. i really enjoyed going to school, i enjoyed seeing/hanging out with the same people 5 days a week. was talking to one of my freshies and i was reminded of all the happy moments of Spring'12. seriously, how is it possible to hate the modules and yet enjoy the semester? likewise, how is it possible to enjoy most of the modules yet hate the semester? I'm enjoying 3 out of 5 modules yet I seriously cannot wait for term break.

Fall'12 started out as an enjoyable semester. less than halfway through the semester, I find myself wanting the remaining 9 weeks to zoom by. yes, this might be the only chance I ever get, but somehow I want everything to end.

9 more weeks to go before I can bid Fall'12 goodbye. time, please zoom by at lightning speed alrighty. and grades, please improve. everything is going fine now actually, with the exception of Gender. in a surprising turn of events, my NTR grade is better than that of Gender. how the hell is that possible, seriously. knowing me and NTR.. and no, I didn't do as badly as i did for NTR 108. i can't even comprehend how i did so badly. it's Gender, for crying out loud.

sidenote, I turned on my laptop with the intention of doing something. but after I switched it on, I forgot what I wanted to do. and i ended up using the Internet for almost one hour. shoot me, someone. as if my weekend wasn't unproductive enough.

okay sorry for the rants. shall get back to my notes for now and wait patiently for my brother to return home with canned peaches. no idea why i randomly craved for it. what's new anyway.

was at Jasmine's mugging, got home 15 minutes to midnight. fell asleep until my brother woke me up an hour ago to shower. after showering, I no longer feel like studying. NTR midterms at 12nn tmr but I felt an overwhelming urge to pen down my thoughts.
(and I just almost burnt my fingers when I touched the magnetic part of my charger zzz.)

I don't know what to make out of my feelings. the past 4 days have been downright horrible. and it got worse day by day. maybe tmr will be a better day. Fridays always are, somehow. no idea why, maybe it's because i wake up telling myself that it is nothing is set in stone.

maybe i will nap for a while before continuing. Fats and Carbohydrates are boring. okay this damn module is just downright boring.