magical stardust ☺
J.
"an attempt to make sense of and articulate the thoughts running through my head."
♥ bold italic strikeout underline♡
TAGBOARD.
PEEKTURES.
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i've been keeping track, we're slowly distancing. you know what, i'm tired. i'm tired of trying to keep this together, since you hardly seem to care. forget it. i'm washing my hands off, if you carry on like that. i know why XXX can win me alr, its because you no longer bother. i tried to initiate the msges a few times, but after a while, i'd ask myself : is this worth it? you always claim to want something, but in reality, you aint trying. i was never a quitter, i never will be. but i'm practical. if i know smth wont work, i'll give up. and i think i will give up. there's no use clinging on to that little strand, since you're obviously not putting in any effort. i realised that its always a one-sided thing, thats why you if you realised, i stopped ranting to you, telling you stuff. cause its always me, me, me. nothing from you. its just not worth my tears and effort. then again, maybe you have XXX.
i dont know, if you wanna maintain this friendship of ours, its time you start taking ownership and do something about it. i never thought that things would end up this way, but since it has already reached this state, oh wells. i realised this is the only friendship i had got me pissed plenty of times. its bad to the extent that i no longer care. thats why sometimes i'm kinda cold to you. its cause i had enough. seriously. like you told me that day, if something's too much for me to handle, give up. and yes, this is exactly what i'm gonna do right now. dont worry, you wont be lonely. i'm sure XXX will be more than willing to talk to you. i dont deny that i really treasure this friendship but i gotta learn to let go of some things.
once again, let me make my stand clear. if you wanna maintain this friendship, do something about it. i'm not giving up on the friendship; i'm merely giving up attempting to hold this friendship together. i still love you as a friend, in case you're wondering.
xoxo, jessica.Labels: i still love you my friend
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i was so tired, i slept practically the whole day. woke up around noon to shower, slept back again, awoke around 5pm, got ready for church.
somehow today's worship songs spoke to me. the lyrics of the songs were really comforting, i could connect to the lyrics, and it felt really good. really, God speaks to us in different ways (:
DG was.. idk, yeah, i learnt quite a bit, but had quite a good laugh too. daniel and caprina are stepping down for the time-being as our mentors, and lydia went, 'its not because of us right?' haha. daniel and caprina, all the best in your assignments. caprina, all the best in your exams, remember that you're never alone, God's always there for you. i'll be keeping you in prayer! (: (:
it was raining, there was a power trip in church, there was no electricity outside the worship hall. haha we were outside talking while waiting for the other classes to finish, and we saw lightning. eunice screamed. mingyang, 'please, i'm more afraid of your scream than the thunder.' lol
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i can safely conclude that the way i'm feeling is reflected in my attitude towards ODAC training. kinda down today, same stupid issue. yeah, tried to throw it aside and put 110% energy into training. sorry girls!
haha, 2nd part of training was some fart leg thing, sprint 100m, jog 100m, sprint 100m, jog last 100m. split into guys and girls.
ming xuan - okay, girls you all just follow jessica's cue. i dont want to see any of you behind her.
girls - eh! go slowly okay??
me - haha see my mood.
so yup, we started. i sprinted, some jogged, some sprinted. after a while, i realised that i was RIGHT IN FRONT, ALONE. what the shit. haha it was the same for the second set, they refused to run!
seriously, idk luh, but yeah, i cheered up after ODAC today. after 9278379357 times.
vanessa and me were waiting for the rain to stop, so we sat in the canteen and talked. along came augustus, major gossip session.
nessa, you're retarded ttm. she was supposed to rush home, but it was raining. her mum called to chase her. a while later, called again.
vanessa - okay we really need to go.
so we went. AND. it was just at that moment that the rain suddenly became heavier. what the freak, nessa. partially drenched and cold, but haha (:
and, augustus brought up one good point. light at the end of the tunnel.
the pieces are finally falling into place. and its logical. you did all of it to spite me, to make me jealous. you could have been trying to make a point, idk. but yup, ness agrees that you did succeed. i dont get it, i mean, what are you trying to achieve by telling me so much about XXX, what you guys did, what XXX said, etc?
shit, i managed to cheer up significantly alr, then now this. oh wells.
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you know what, i'm gonna pull myself together, shape up and get my act together once more.
i'll throw that stupid problem aside, focus on OP, do my best for A Level Chinese Paper on monday, study hard for the re exams, move on to J2.
thanks for believing in me all this while (: you told me i could do it, i'll prove it. i won't be a disappointment this time. i promise.
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29th October 2009; emo day.
not results, thats the weirdest of all. everytime i tried to forget it and focus on other stuff, i'm reminded of it, somehow or other.
regina and me literally founded a crying club. we were just talking. and suddenly the tears just flowed. idk why, i think there were alot of things bothering me of late. results, cca, and that. i think its mainly about the expectations and how i cant meet up to them.
but yeah, i felt way better after crying. thanks constance, regina and nelson (:
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stupid medicine. i think it has side effects. i was uber tired the entire day. even though i didnt take the one that'd make me drowsy.
didnt feel well, asked to be excused from ODAC afterwards. seriously couldn't take it anymore. its the exhaustion from PW; imagine sleeping for like 2-3 hours daily since friday. coupled with the fact that i'm on medication.
dinner-ed with grace, and omg, i seriously do retarded stuff with her. today we saw nice stickers. and we decided to buy one packet each. but you know what? the adhesive stuck to the plastic instead of the sticker itself. retarded much. such a waste, the stickers were seriously uber nice :D
and, i dont know why, but i suddenly felt jealous. all of a sudden, after you told me all of that. before this, i already accepted it, but today, i dont know. it came back suddenly. urgh, i didnt know it was that extreme, but then again, where do i stand?
i feel uber inferior. its like, after XXX came into the picture, i'm no longer important. XXX is always the one. XXX has a higher standing than me. its always XXX, then me. you seldom ask me, i'm always the one taking the initiative. no calls, whatsoever. it seems as though you no longer care, you no longer bother about me. in everything, oh XXX this, oh XXX that. you no longer ask me why i write what i write. to me, its as though you no longer care. fine, find a new one and ditch the old.
i don't get jealous often, but this is way too extreme. i'm sorry. i just can't help it.
then now, what you asked me to do. i wonder if you ask XXX to do the same to mine. most probably not, i suppose. i'm sorry, i dont know why i'm being like that.
i feel that i'm losing you. its not that i want to be the one and only, but i just dont want to lose a special friend.
:) take care, my friend.
i can't believe i kinda cried about this. you know i seldom cry, so yeah, you roughly know how badly this is affecting me. i'm sorry, i dont know why i'm feeling this way too.Labels: i still love you my friend, ODAC is love (:
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shawnylai: I know, I know, I'm iced now. says:
hello?
JESSICA ♥ RASHES RASHES RASHES >< says:
huh.
shawnylai: I know, I know, I'm iced now. says:
checking if u're alive
JESSICA ♥ RASHES RASHES RASHES >< says:
i'm not
shawnylai: I know, I know, I'm iced now. says:
okay
good reply
its 12.47am. i'm up doing OP slides & script. seriously, PW sucks away my life. i should be sleeping now. the drowsy effect of my medication's kicking in. dang.
anw, thank you.
thanks for bothering about PW even though its useless to you.
thanks for not leaving me in the lurch with those two people.
thanks for doing what you can to help.
xoxo!
seriously, i dont know what's wrong with them. those that need PW are not bothering, the one that doesn't need PW's putting 101% effort. weird. oh wells. (:Labels: msn conversations., PW~
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dang, the doctor only gave me one day's mc haha.
anw yeah its just rashes, not hives. thank goodness. last night was seriously unbearable, woke up in the middle of the night itching from head to toe. its way better now (:
slept the whole day, one of the medicines made me drowsy.
i dont feel like doing my OP script. anyone wants to help?
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OMG. RASHES SUCK, TO THE ULTIMATE MAX.
i'm serious. rash outbreak, super uncomfortable and itchy. started on sunday night actually. when i met up with shawn to complete WR. my neck started itching, but i thought it'd be okay after i showered. today, my arms, thighs and waist started itching too. and yeah, its rash. shawn suspects its hives. wth, damn uncomfortable!
the only good thing is that i will be on MC. no school = no boring 2 hour chinese lectures = no PW group discussions = i dont have to see your face. pure joy. i'm serious.
and we're finally done with WR. :D
i stupidly forgot my thumbdrive this morning. last night shawn even reminded me. i saw it in the morning and made a mental note to put it in my bag. had a bad feeling as i walked to the MRT station. missed the train, cabbed down, and yeah, it wasnt in my bag. waited till 12.30pm so we could leave school. went to kovan to buy ink, went to my house to get my thumbdrive, headed over to shawn's house to complete and print WR. goodness. there's smth wrong, the font sizes kept reverting to 11, annoying ttm. waited about 90 mins to print 164 pages, and freak, jam along upper serangoon road afterwards. we requested for the extra extension to 7pm, but couldnt meet it in the end, printer's fault haha. got a lift back to school from shawn's dad, handed it up to miss yeo. i think she stayed back specially for us. the other 2 went back early, wth.
anw, seriously no comments about them. freaking pissing, seriously.
WR's cleared, so its time for OP (:
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SRJC won the Nike Human Race 2009 Schools Catorgory; Category A.
for the second year running. (: (: (:
somehow i felt that the distance was longer as compared to the Will Run route in SR. today, it felt as though 1km was a super long distance.
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okay, i think the timetable's screwed. how can they expect us to concentrate during lessons after we knew our results?
it was stupid, they returned H1s first. and my H1s were surprisingly good, but i became too shocked after getting back history. seriously. plus i miscalculated my econs.
too shocked to even cry, yes it was that bad.
broke down during chinese lecture, thanks shawn and emilia. the brave front i had been putting on suddenly shattered. and, thanks sky for cheering me up. yst i kept reminding myself that i'll just accept everything that happens as part of God's plan, but from past experiences, i knew it's easier said than done.
taidi in the council room somewhat cheered me up significantly. stupid, kuang jie was saying that the council room's different when i'm there. its less boring cause it'll be damn noisy. peter was asking me to study hard for re exams (if any) so that we can continue the 'gatherings'. tact teamed with kuang jie, and haha we ended up winning most of the games.
SRGCE LiJiang PT training was somewhat okay, 5km run turned out well. seriously, my attitude when i run depends on my mood. that day i was struggling to complete 5km, even within 40mins. and constance was obviously running out of patience cause i couldnt bring myself to keep up with her. it was way better today, walked only 200m after 3km.
miss lam - see jessica, you can run fast when you want to.
yeah, it all depends on my mood actually. haha. 100 inclined pull ups shared among 14 girls, each doing ten. bearable much, as compared to 100 assisted chin ups. stupid, i ended up doing for my whole group. 8 x 3, do the math yourself. later on,
miss lam - okay we're still short of 8. jessica!
jessica - huh then i do 32 uh!!!
miss lam - yes thats why you're my vice president.
see the link? enlighten me please, cause i dont.Labels: link?
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released our scripts today, mixed feelings. actually you know what, its only history that i'm pissed at. other than that, i'm alright.
constance and we were saying that our grades can spell SEDUCE, except that the last E is an S for her and a C for me. anw constance, its time we start studying for re-exams. no 23rd ODAC for us rmb? :)
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i seriously enjoyed myself to the max today. :D
newspaper collection was better than i thought it would be, partly cause very few people opened their doors.
window shopped at ION with vanessa, sky and yong siong while waiting for the rest to come. oh my gosh, yao yang is a mountain tortoise. he msg-ed sky to ask where we were.
sky - ION
yao yang - where's ION?
vanessa, yong siong, me - o.o ask him to ask people for directions, then see their reactions.
and. we made the mistake of asking miss liu how our results were. the vague comments she gave was enough to kill us, gosh.
HAHA we seriously had loads of fun at the botanical gardens. vanessa, miss liu and myself cam-whored like no one's business. haha the guys are seriously traumatized by us now. first they got traumatized by the extremely long time vanessa and me spend in the toilet, now this. actually, just vanessa luh, i end up waiting for her most of the time haha. but yup! haha its been a long time since i cam-whored like this.
everywhere we go,
vanessa/miss liu/me - take photo, take photo!
yong siong/yao yang/sky/ming xuan - OMG, nooooooo~
loves! <3
ahhh i'm falling into the pond!
muscular guys.
the nice photos are with miss liu, upload them once she uploads the pictures to facebook (:
stupid, we walked from one end of botanical gardens to another to get to the Jacob Ballas Children's Garden, only to realise that its closed on mondays, what the shit -.-
bus-ed to starbucks at plaza singapura to finalize stuff for the sharing session by ming xuan and me. gosh, i seriously enjoyed myself to the extent that i forgot that the main purpose for our recee trip was to facilitate our sharing session on friday haha.
22nd SR ODAC EXCO, i love you guys to the max! :D
i seriously hope that we guys can stay together, and that no one gets left behind in J1 next year. okay, that means myself too haha.
i realised that i'm loving the EXCO more and more. the more stuff we plan for ODAC, the closer we get (: (:
AND. tmr = revelation day. it sucks that i take lit, cause i tend to read deeper into many things people say. okay, i'm trying not to read too deep into all the stuff miss liu said today. i seriously want to get promoted!
but, what's done has been done. no use crying over spilt milk. i mean yeah, God has a plan for us. so if i (touch wood) retain, i guess i'll just take the opportunity to make the most of the extra year i have to tighten my foundations.
okay, i admit. i'm trying uber hard to stay positive and optimistic about tmr, and remember that everything that happens is part of God's plan for us.
my personal message on MSN comes in handy now : dear jessica, please smile. its an order, not a request. thank you.
Labels: urgh.
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i was looking through the photos for ODAC's Great Hike 2009. and. i miss all the fun moments. walking in the extremely hot sun from sungei buloh all the way to the peak of bukit timah hill, and trekking 10km in the pouring rain from bukit timah hill all the way to mactritche.
many barriers were broken, we struggled, helped one another along the way, friendships were forged.
ODAC 2009! (:
'its a memory because things change.'
- jasmine.
yeah, and i miss all the fun times we had before the J2s stepped down. not that we ain't having fun now, but things were just different then. those were the times i could just play and not bother about anything. now, its different, there's the responsibility there.
things change, no doubt, and now all that's left are just memories. memorable memories of the past.
to the J2s, all the best for your A levels, do ODAC and yourselves proud! (:
Labels: ODAC is love (:
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i think smth's wrong with me. i've been feeling extremely letargic of late, no strength to do anything. esp friday. stoned during all the lessons and pw consultation. struggled through step training during ODAC, felt dizzy after 3 sets. vanessa said i looked damn pale ><
all my 'outings' yst were somehow or rather cancelled. i slept most of the day away, and i was still sleepy. thank goodness its the after promos season. i cant fall sick, with the Nike Human Race happening next saturday.
shawn diagnosed my situation as 'exhaustion'. as much as i wanna deny it, i know its true.
oh well. lets hope things get better. i can't wait for the trip to the botanical gardens with the EXCO and Miss Liu on monday! recee trip for ODAC's CIP, 500 Days of Summer with Vanessa afterwards. <3 <3 <3Labels: (:
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grabbed this from constance's blog.
"Just came home from the three-hour talk.
Struck me really hard.
I was expecting it to be rather boring, considering I already know most of what I had to, but I realised knowing is a totally different thing from doing the right things in life.
It's like knowing the exact recipe to how to bake a cake, but when you finish, you realise you messed it up big time.
It's scary to know some stuff, and scary when you can relate exactly to what the facilitators say. It was enlightening, really.
Okay, am not gonna say more lest I reveal too much."
and i feel the same way too, gosh constance, we really need our ranting session soon.Labels: gosh.
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'If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it.'
-Facebook applicationLabels: if only...
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I.NEED.TO.START.RUNNING.
REGULARLY.AGAIN.AND.
REMIND.MYSELF.NOT.TO.
DRINK.BUBBLE.TEA.
BEFORE.I.RUN.
ran 5km with constance and jun zhe after history, and omg, i seriously need to start training my stamina alr. 2.75km was the max we could go without stopping. plus all the stupid stiches, what the shit.
and i miss running. i miss odac. i miss pt.
now i finally know why we stretch our arms before we run. haha cause when you run, you swing your arms. sounds dumb, but constance and me felt pain on our left shoulder blades while running haha.
and constance, its so not fated. just as we ended, someone began. haha i was telling regina and she asked me to run again. crazy woman. she was supposed to run with us but she changed her mind in the end.
and i bought my hot pink converse shoes alr, :D :D :D :D
supposed to go cycling with regina, michelle, nelson and rahul today, but changed my mind, my muscles were kinda aching. need to rest them before shopping tmr :) :) :)
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i dont know, sometimes i feel that there's only so much we can do? like they say, you can bring a horse to the water, but if he doesnt want to drink it, its his choice.
i often wonder why things are like such. yeah, when presented to you, its a full package, wonderful, nice, complete. as time goes by, bits and pieces fall apart. you start to realise the flaws of it. the problem is, these items are nonexchangeable, nonrefundable. and these things are essential to you. we're forced to make do with them, and accept their flaws. yeah, i admit, its tough. but no one ever said life was gonna be a bed of roses.
i guess the only thing we can do now is just to take things into our stride?
easier said than done, sometimes i really feel like giving it all up. studies, cca, pw, the list goes on. its consoling to know that if God put you through something, He will surely see you through it. (:
to me, yeah, i believe in second chances. we are all human, we make mistakes. but, dont you think that there should be a line drawn? price elastic demand/supply curve. exceptions can be made, i agree. but only to a limited extent. freak this sounds like all my different subjects merged together. haha okay anw, yeah. you can't expect to make the same mistakes over and over again and expect things to go on as per normal?
that aside, i gave it a second chance. initially i was cold, i admit it. but vanessa/regina/grace/yunjia somehow convinced me to give it a second chance, so i tried to forget everything that happened. but, things kinda screwed it up? i'm not sure if i can carry on giving it another chance. there's no element of seriousness there. i think i've reached my limit. i don't think i can carry on pretending that nothing ever happened. cause yeah, there is. and it is of significant importance. it is a turning point in the entire situation. historian benda was right. there indeed was a transformation that took place. things are no longer the same. just like pre-world war 2 nationalism and the japanese occupation. things changed. the japanese occupation was a turning point to nationalism in southeast asia.
now, the question is, can i close one eye to it? can i see all the good and ignore the bad? i don't know, i don't know if its within my capacity to do that. because seriously, if history's gonna repeat itself, then what's the point? i need to increase
oh wells. anyway, everything that happens has a purpose, so we just have to take the backseat and let the story unfold before our eyes. all we can do, is to make use of the learning points encountered in every situation.
our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
with wisdom, power and love
our God is an awesome God.
- our God is an awesome God
somehow, i'm feeling disturbed by everything thats happening. often times i try to remember that there IS a purpose for everything and that everything that happens to us is a part of God's plan for us, but somehow i cant help but question why.
oh wells.
"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."
-Philippians 4:13Labels: :)
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We Humble Ourselves
Paul Baloche
You, O Lord, are a holy God
Your ways are perfect and just
Slow to anger and abounding in love
You have shown us your Father’s heart
But we your people have turned from You
Resisting Your power and grace
Taking our lives into our hands
We have stumbled and lost our way
CHORUS
So we humble ourselves before you
And confess our unfaithfulness toward you
Forgive our sins, remove our shame
Restore the church that bears your name
That revival may come to this land once again.
Lord we humble ourselves before you
And confess our unfaithfulness toward you
Forgive our sins, remove our shame
Restore the church that bears your name
That revival may come to this land
That revival may come to this land
That revival may come to this land once again
Lord we humble ourselves
(x2)Labels: we humble oursleves
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stupid, we were at KFC after church. i was eating fries and dipping it into the cheese.
ron-how much did you pay for the cheese?
i was holding a fry (?) with my thumb and index finger. and somehow when i wanted to tell him that it cost $1, i ended up using my middle finger.
penny- orh hor you point middle finger!
ron-i'm going to complain to auntie lai fong tmr. you know i'm very close to your mother right.
what the shit. lol
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i officially declare 2nd Oct 2009 to be Retard Day.
seriously.
met up with grace to study today.
sorry jun zhe, i didnt know at that point in time you were going to school.
anw, retarded to the max.
the air con at junction 8's MOS is screwed. at least for the section we were in. hot air came out, what the freak.
huge difference between where we were seated and the counter area.
we didnt realise that we were sitting directly next to a sign that read no studying, haha.
oh oh MOS's hot terriyaki chicken burger's super nice (:
oh my gosh i missed grace damn uber much, even though we're just seperated by one miserable carpark. somehow i feel different when i'm with her. 10 years of history i guess.
jessica - what the hell la, i 无话可说.
grace - at least not 无家可归.
jessica - !!!!!!!!
later i wanted to buy ez-link card holder, and i saw this range of hoops and yoyo ones.
jessica - which one nicer uh?
grace - the hoops and yoyo one.
jessica - everything IS hoops and yoyo.
on the way back,
jessica - i wanna go to breadtalk!
grace - oh i ask you, bread or coffee bigger?
jessica - bread la. lol
grace - why?
jessica - idk, size?
grace - no! cause when bread talk, coffee tiams (breadtalk, kopitiam)
what the shit, lol. and i havent been laughing so much in one day for a long time. thanks grace. you crazy, retarded, spastic girl. :P
and yeah, idk, but i think i should? but. urgh. there's something holding me back, i want to know what it is. constant reminders about the past? all i know, is that i'm not being my normal self. Labels: grace grace grace
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2 topics, 3 questions.
i initially wanted to read study 4/5 chapters of the 2nd topic, and leave japan out totally
last week, mr wong hinted that japan was important.
japan, 3 components - rise, fall, problems.
yesterday, i was studying rise, when mr wong told me to study fall too.
i thought that maybe rise and fall would come out in the same question.
i tried to study fall. REALLY REALLY TRIED.
in the end, i seriously couldnt absorb anything.
i went into the exam hall and when i saw that the question was on fall of japan, i panicked.
but i remembered that i studied a little.
did my end of cold war essay first. paused after 45mins, to start on the japan essay.
all of a sudden, my mind went blank.
i panicked.
returned to my CW essay, hoping that i'd remember what i studied.
still nothing.
i ended up finishing 98% of my CW essay, 6 sides, but nothing came to mind about japan.
crapped out 2 paragraphs in the end, one internal and one external.
total rubbish, oh my goodness.
it's the first time.
and its the most important exam of all. what the hell.
i'm praying my CW essay can pull me up.
and needless to say, i need to study for paper 2 super duper ultra mega hard.
freak. why's this happening?
i.want.to.get.promoted.
ironical, the subject i was banking on caused my downfall. whereas i can safely say that econs wasnt that bad. when initially it was econs that i was super worried for.Labels: twist of events.
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