hello, you. if you're reading this, all the best for your papers! fighting mode on alrighty! you know i love you ;)

fifty shades of grey was more captivating than expected, and the only reason why I'm lying in bed now with my lights off is the fact that I have some Orientation workshop thingy tmr morning. wait, make that in 4 hours.

the book was so tantalizing, I couldn't bear to put it down. this is the problem with me everytime I have a good read in hand: I cannot put it down unless I am super drained. maybe you can say that I don't like suspense; I'd rather get the whole story out straight.

something tells me I will be late tmr. what's new right. after an entire semester of 4 morning classes a week, I still cannot get up early. oh gosh.

g'night.

My husband and I were once with a youth group. There were three kids sitting across from us at a meal: two guys and a girl. The one guy was a computer geek with glasses. The other one was a college student with slightly cooler hair and no glasses. The girl was obviously with him. But while the computer geek was busy serving everyone at the meal, clearing plates and garbage, the college student got angry with the girl for a small accident and poured red juice over her leather jacket and white shirt. She picked the wrong guy, and the juice didn’t seem to change her mind. She is in for some grief if that relationship continues and especially if it leads to marriage.

So to all the young, unmarried Christian girls out there, listen up: who you marry matters. You might think that the way he treats you isn’t so bad. It’s not going to get better after the wedding. You might think that he’ll change. It’s possible, but most don’t. You might think that you’ll be able to minister to him and help him. Possibly, but if you can’t now, you won’t then, and you will be at risk yourself. A husband should lead and cherish you, not need your counsel for basic personality or behavior issues.
Unless someone married is very frank with you, you can’t understand how much a husband will impact your entire life. Next to salvation there is no other long term event that will change so many areas of your life so deeply. Here are just some of the ways that marriage will impact every aspect of living.

1. It will impact you spiritually.
If the guy is not a believer, you can stop right there. You have no business yoking a redeemed soul with an unregenerate one, even if he seems open to change. Christ has bought you with a price and it is not an option to give away that blood bought heart to someone who doesn’t know and love your Lord. It will cripple your spiritual development, open up a host of temptations, stifle your prayer life, make regular church going difficult, and cause massive parenting conflict if you have children.
If the guy is a believer, is he a strong one? Will he lead you in prayer, Bible reading, family devotions, and public worship? Or will you be on your own? Is he going to make spiritual growth a priority or do other things come first? Is he going to ask you how it’s going with your soul so he can help you grow in holiness and love for Christ, or will he leave that to your pastor? Is he going to lead the children in this, or will you have to spearhead that? In church, is he going to help the kids sit well, pray, find the hymn, or will you be the one pointing out what is happening next and helping the family keep up? Many women have married spiritually immature men, thinking that it wasn’t a big issue, or that the man would change, and they were wrong. They bear the scars.

The health of your eternity is at stake. Think carefully.

2. It will impact you emotionally.
Is the guy you’re thinking of going to encourage you, love you, be kind to you, and seek to understand you, or will he want to go out with the guys when you’re having a hard night? Will he listen when you are struggling with something or will he be preoccupied with a video game? Is he going to be annoyed when you cry or will he get you Kleenex and give you a hug? Is he going to going to understand that you are probably more tender than he is, more sensitive to issues and comments, or is he regularly going to run rough shod over your feelings? One woman was struggling to breastfeed her new baby, believing that that was the best thing for her, but it was very difficult. Instead of giving support and encouragement, the husband would make mooing sounds whenever he saw his wife working at it. We have to get rid of princess complexes, but we do have emotional needs. Any guy who is uncaring about your feelings and self esteem is selfish and should be left alone.

Be careful – a husband can cripple or foster emotional health.

3. It will impact you physically.
Is the guy you’re with going to provide for your basic needs? Will he be able to shelter, clothe and feed you? At one point in our marriage, I was worried that there was no employment opportunity. My husband assured me that he would work at McDonalds, dig ditches, clean up roadkill – whatever it took to provide for the family, regardless of his gifts and training. That’s the kind of attitude you want. A man who doesn’t provide for his household is worse than an infidel (I Tim. 5:8). You might have to help ease the financial burden, but unless your husband is disabled or there is another unusual circumstance, you shouldn’t have to carry it yourself.

Will the man you are with care for your body or abuse it? If he gives you little smacks, kicks, etc. when you’re dating, get away. It’s almost guaranteed that he will abuse you after marriage, and stats show that’s especially true when you are pregnant. Is he going to care for and protect your body or will he hurt it? There are women in churches across America who thought it was no big deal to have little (sort of friendly) punches or slaps from their boyfriends, but who are covering up the bruises from their husbands.

Will the man you are with care for you sexually? Is he going to honour the marriage bed in physical and mental faithfulness to you or will he flirt, feed his porn addiction, or even leave you for another woman? You can’t always predict these issues, but if the seeds or practices are already there, watch out. I recently saw a newly married couple and the husband was flirting openly with another woman. Unless something drastic happens, that marriage is headed for disaster.

Is he going to be tender and gentle to you in bed? An unbelieving co-worker once told my sister that after her first sexual encounter, she had trouble walking for a few days because her boyfriend was so rough. In other words, he wasn’t selfless enough to care for the body of the woman he said he loved.
Watch out. Your body needs care and protection.

4. It will impact you mentally.
Is the man that you’re thinking of going to be a source of worry or will he help you deal with your worries? Is he going to encourage your intellectual development, or will he neglect it? Is he going to value your opinions and listen to what you are thinking, or will he disregard your thoughts? Is he going to help you manage stress so that your mind is not burdened that way, or is he going to let you struggle through issues alone? Is he going to care for you and be thoughtful of you if you are experiencing mental strain, or will he ignore it? I know of a woman who could handle pregnancy and child birth very well physically but postpartum depression took a huge toll on her mind. The husband overlooked it, continuing to have more children, until his wife ended up in a mental institution.
You might think that the intellectual or mental side of a marriage is small. It’s bigger than you think.

Consider it seriously.

5. It will impact you relationally.
How’s your relationship with your mother? Your dad? Do you love them? Does your boyfriend? Fast forward ten years: you tell your husband that your mother is coming for the weekend. Is he excited? Disappointed? Angry? Making snide jokes with his friends? Of course, a husband should come first in your priority of relationships, as you both leave father and mother and cleave to one another. But parents are still a big part of the picture. Whatever negative feelings he has about your parents now will probably be amplified after marriage. Your marriage will either strengthen or damage – even destroy – your relationship with your parents. The people who know you best and love you most right now could be cut out of the picture by a husband who hates them.

It’s the same with sisters and friends. Will they be welcomed, at reasonable times, in your home? Will the guy who you’re with encourage healthy relationships with other women, or will he be jealous of normal, biblical friendships? Will he help you mentor younger women and be thankful when older women mentor you, or will he belittle that?

Don’t sacrifice many good relationships for the sake of one guy who can’t value the people who love you.

So how will your boyfriend do after the vows? Because this is just a sampling of the ways that a husband can bless or curse his wife. The effects are far reaching, long lasting, and either wonderful or difficult. True, there are no perfect men out there. But there are great ones. And it’s better to be single for life than to marry someone who will make your life a burden. Singleness can be great. Marriage to the wrong person is a nightmare. I’ve been in a church parking lot where the pastor had to call the police to protect a wife from a husband who was trying to stop her from worshiping and being with her family. It’s ugly. Don’t be so desperate to get married that your marriage is a grief. If you are in an unhappy marriage, there are ways to get help. But if you’re not married, don’t put yourself in that situation. Don’t marry someone whose leadership you can’t follow. Don’t marry someone who is not seeking to love you as Christ loved the church. Marry someone who knows and demonstrates the love of Christ.

credits: the Christian Pundit

LAST PAPER LAST PAPER LAST PAPER!!

okay i'm already acting like its over sighhhh. someone kill me please )):
it was okay initially, like the drive and all was still there but after dinner i didn't feel like studying anymore urghhhh. speaking of dinner, W and I had a near death experience zomgggggg. in my mind i was, “omg what’s going on, i don’t wanna die.” then when we got to the other side he was, “my life flashed right before my eyes.” (or smth along those lines). seemingly melodramatic but zomg it was bloody scaryyyyyyyyy!! i didn’t even have time to think about other things, much less my life.

so superduperultramega thankful that we’re alright. and the driver was damn oblivious wth. the very act of thinking about it is making my heart beat super quickly. from this incident forth, i swear i’ll be more careful. like really. i treasure my life, there are still so many things i haven't done, I have a full life in front of me D:

anw, absolutely hate street evangelism. i mean, i'm okay if you wanna share the gospel to me and all. but please don't try to force me to subscribe to your version ya? it's like throwing biblical facts in my face and going, "here is evidence, you need to believe in what we say. your denomination teaches you wrong things." when i first saw them i said i'd been approached previously (which was the truth and by then i think they saw my cross pendant so they knew i'm a Christian) and they asked if i did visit their church. told them no and they went, "ah see God loves you so He's giving you a second chance." seriously! think they spent about 30 minutes talking to me. no wait, make that preaching. and its fact after fact, verse after verse omgggggg. i think they take the bible too literally.

i should really really get back to my notes. i need at least 86% tmr, lest i throw my A- away. which i absolutely cannot. freedom is mine in 11 hours!

made my way to Toms for the second day in a row, only to learn that it closes at 8pm tonight. zzz, wouldn't have come here if i had prior knowledge but oh wells.

almost done with the semester, wheeeeeeee~
I just need about 2 more comments on the Philo blog and i'll be done with the module, then i'll only be left with com225 :D super thankful that this is a highly digestible module!

but the annoying thing is that the chapter i was on just now reminded me so much of someone/something i really wanted to forget. it's like, almost every other theory in there is so relatable urgh. so glad i'm done with that chapter.

time.to.move.on

in other news, my i-20 arrival got really delayed, but in some sense i'm thankful, cause i highly doubt i'd be able to spare time to head down to the embassy tmr for the school-arranged interview slot. guess it's a blessing in disguise after all!

andddddd. i think my appetite's coming back! haven't been able to stomach full meals for the past week and it was really starting to scare me. i mean, its not really rare, but it's rare that it was the same for 6 consecutive days. i barely had any full meal at all, and i wasn't even hungry.

okay back to studying and being productive. less than 48 hours to freedom :D

i really don't wanna do this anymore. so damn frustrated omgggggggg. i don't exactly hate ugc, i just detest exams so much. plus the fact that some genius here flunked the first test.

wednesday's dinner kinda screwed up my study plans cause i reached home with no desire to study. oh wells, but i guess it was good meeting them. for one, it made me eat dinner. not sure if it's cause i'm still sick, or i'm too stressed or that i'm pms-ing, but i haven't had much appetite to stomach full meals this week. the last 2 doesn't seem to make sense, but so does the first. then again, nothing seems to make sense anymore, does it. wednesday's the only day i ate dinner this week, and then again it wasn't really dinner dinner. urgh what is wrong with me :/

took a nap when i got home last night and omg when i woke up it was 6:30am. 2 hours to my paper, 2 chapters untouched. all i know from those 2 chapters are key terms urgh. thankful for angels who sent me notes out of their own free will! and what's even more awesome is that the notes happen to be only for these 2 chapters. God works in amazing ways.

okay what am i even doing now, i should be studying or at the very least getting ready for school.

earlier today, i woke up, did a double take when i saw the time and immediately jumped out of bed - 7:36am. that was the start of my more-interesting-than-usual day.

- received an invitation to join Janelle and her clique's trip to Krabi next month o.o
- saw Vanessa in school! :D :D :D :D :D
- bumped into Janelle and clique [they keep laughing at me cause i told them i found a particular lecturer awkwardly cute >:(]
- headed to Quiznos to study UGC and i felt highly accomplished :D
- learnt that there's now KOI at the basement of 313 @ Somerset
- iRis & SGNext Bus refused to tell me what time the next bus was arriving at Bishan so i was forced to not take any chances and take the early bus
- realized that i'd have been late otherwise since there was a mini jam otw (thank God!)
- saw beautiful orangey-red hues of the evening sky
- my tutee asked why i was dressed so prettily today HAHA

i don't know, i feel happy today ahahaha. which is weird, considering how fuming mad i was last night. but aye, i woke up and thought to myself, 'why should i get so worked up over such inconsequential issues?'

just applied for Summer'13 FOC, have absolutely no idea if i will regret this seeing as how I need to start preparing for my trip to the States, oh well.
AND I HAVE NO IDEA IF I SHOULD GO FOR UGC112 CLASS TMR. mehhhh Elroy's a bad influence.

sorry but i ain't in the best of moods tonight. so damn disappointing; to think i was even considering throwing out that idea. after tonight, my motivation level just sky rocketed.

hello tomorrow, please be a better day. i can't deal with this two days in a row.

i guess no one actually knows me really really well unless i let them in on my life. you may know what makes me tick, what i'm like when i'm annoyed, sad etc, why i do some of the things i do. but that's only because i show it. trust me, there are a lot of things that i try very hard to hide. and they have remained hidden, unless i talk about it. every time i do, i get shocked responses.

i don't usually hide things; my face is like an open book and people can sense when i'm not happy. i talk about things that make me sad and angry, i don't usually bottle up my feelings. i remember talking about an issue earlier this year, and a friend of mine went, "huh Jess i thought you didn't care about?" well... i'd say that this is a sensitive issue, and i don't like talking about it because there are many layers of the story. talking about one layer alone has the danger of people misunderstanding the situation. after all, every action has a reaction. so i'd rather y'all think that i don't care, rather than let you in on everything.

and i find it hard to let people in on these issues, prolly due to pride i guess. i don't want people judging me because they don't know the full story. i know that sometimes people cannot understand why i do the things i do because they haven't been in my shoes and haven't walked my path. i have a tendency to be insecure about many things, but i just don't show it. i don't like to appear dependent; i want to be able to fight my own wars and slay my own dragons without the help of others. i think that if i were to let people in on my insecurities, many of you will see me in a different light. i probably won't be this cheerful and carefree girl you all know. you'd prolly come to the realization that my life is pretty messed up, just like anyone else's. i guess because of all these, i've learnt to be easily contented. no, i'm not naive and subsequently easy to please. it's just that i've seen enough, so much till i've learnt to treasure the little things that come my way.

so.. if i ever talk to you about my insecurities, please know that you mean something to me, and that i trust you. and of course, don't judge me. most of the time, i just need someone to listen to my problems.

how do you deal with a lie?
there has a been a pressing question bugging you, and you receive the answer unexpectedly. however, you soon realize that although the answer is something pleasing to your ear, it seems to be false. or maybe it's just a facade to conceal the real issue, hidden beneath several layers.

why do people present a different version of what they perceive to be the truth just to elevate their status and make themselves sound like the victim? will it hurt just to speak the truth? yes your friendship is maintained, but do you feel good about it? this friendship was rekindled on the basis of false pretences. it isn't true anymore.

or maybe you feel that this friendship is worth more, and there is a fear that the truth will hurt the fabric. I don't know, never liked concealing the truth just to make people feel better. or even to make me look good. it always weighs on my conscience after a while :/ which is also why I am contemplating coming clean about everything. then again, really really fearful that this lie will signify the end of the friendship since its the main reason why things are where they are now. okay see I am a walking contradiction sigh.

SOC 390 quiz #2 worth 25% of my total grade tmr, yet I spend my time thinking about inconsequential issues like these. what a wrong time for my brain to wander off, seriously. and this isn't a standalone case.
anyhow, really thankful for people like M who attempted to put a smile on my face in the midst of all these nonsense! :)) [altho he ultimately abandoned his mission midway 'cause I laughed at him. tskkk I was merely stating facts hmph]

okay bye back to studying! told Y before she left that I'd concentrate and stop thinking about these issues heh. sorryyyyyyy~ Jessica will be a good girl and return to my notes now.

there are just some days where I miss what we had. I miss you, I miss the old us. it hurts even more when I'm with people and i see it happening; sometimes I can't help but think to myself, "this used to be us."

and I ask myself why. what changed? I don't know. if that is the reason why we are where we are today, I'm partially speechless. never thought you'd do something like this. and if it is, then does this mean it has been the only reason sustaining this thing all these while?

it's a mixture of disappointment, disgust, sadness and anger. would things have continued to be the way they were had I/we not told you what I/we did? some days, I think about you and I wonder if it was the right decision after all. in all honesty, I did not realize that I was essentially closing the door when I said that. regret? well maybe partially.

people can tell you what to do, but they cannot tell you what to feel.  sometimes, people learn only by falling flat on their face. i think i'm one of those people. but aye, c'est la vie; we always want the things we cannot have.

unexpected x3; all in an hour.

anyway, I think I've finally caught up on sleep cause all i did yesterday was sleep. feel like a pig now zomg. was supposed to start on Philo last night but I closed my eyes for a while and when i opened them, one hour had passed. thought i could close them for another 5 minutes cause i was in a daze but when i did, it was 4:46am. no wonder a friend of mine has always been telling me i have weird sleeping patterns. I've been trying to deny it but after this episode, there's no escaping the truth.

i think it will be a good day today. and hopefully, my week will be awesome.
have a happy Monday y'all!